April 15, 2013

10 {Unconventional} Marriage Secrets- Day 2

{Unconventional} Marriage Secret #9:   Don't Call Yo Momma

.....Or your bestie, or your sister, or his mom, or his best friend, etc. 

     ALL husbands and wives have disagreements and arguments. ALL, repeat ALL. No marriage is without flaw. Some couples disagree every now and then while some disagree multiple times in a day. Every spouse experiences some disappointment in each other at some point in time. I think a common mistake many young married women is calling their mom or someone else and venting every time they are upset with their husband.  We, as women, are naturally inclined to want to talk it out. We get loosey goosey with our tongue when we get mad. We want someone on 'our' side when we get angry and so we instinctively turn to another person we are close to, like our mom, sister, friend, etc. We fill them in on every little wrong thing our husband did and then we may even embellish a little for good measure. 
Here is the problem with that; the next day or next hour or even next week when hubby apologizes for whatever silly thing he did and you forgive him and move on, the person you confided in is not as quick to move on. That other person, because they also love you, they feel the need to protect your honor. They saw you hurting and so they now feel angst against your husband. Not intentional, but that is our sinful way. 
 Ladies YOU took the marriage vows with your husband. No one else is included in or is even privy to anything that goes on with the exception of the Lord. Your husband married you. Because you made a vow to love him in better or worse, your heart is much quicker to soften towards him. You, more than likely, desire and aspire to love him unconditionally. None of those other confidants share that with you. And that's okay, you married him, not them. 

    We did our pre-marital counseling at Park Cities Presbyterian church and on the last day, the pastor spoke about this. It has proven to be one of the single most valuable pieces of marriage advice. Once in the old Testament and once in the New, the principle commonly referred to as 'leave and cleave' is mentioned. Genesis 2:24 & Matthew 19:5 both state the following :

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

   When we are upset, sad, or angry we should all seek the face of Jesus first as our ultimate comforter. He is much wiser than any earthly person could ever be and loves both you and your spouse equally. His desire is that, no matter what troubles come in your relationship, you and your husband would both draw in to Him. 

       There are times when one or both of you may need a little outside guidance, someone to physical talk to or cry to.  Things may get out of hand, ugly, and you both may be so deep in your own sin that some outside Godly counsel may be necessary. I have a whole other post coming on this, but for now if you are going to include someone else in your marriage, make sure they are of Godly counsel and are not biased towards either one of you. 

You know how most men joke about their mother in law? I don't have those jokes. I also love my wife's friends. My wife has done some things to royally piss me off in our marriage. I mean shaking in my boots, go for a drive and cool down mad. But that actually probably says more about me. Anyway... no matter how mad I get or how mad she is at me, she has NEVER included anyone else in our mess. 

There were times she could have. There were times that had she aired out my darkness, it would have changed the dynamic of all our relationships. I am happy to say that when it comes to this principle, my wife is aces. When I have to come back, repent, own my shame and sin I only have to own it to her and God. You know how much safer that makes our relationship emotionally? 

I feel so sad for men that have to wonder what the mother in law, the best friend, or sister is thinking once he and his wife have settled their dispute. My wife makes repentance safe for me. She makes space for me to be broken and find redemption in Jesus while she prays and supports me.