10 {Unconventional} Marriage Secrets

 

       Next week is our 8 year anniversary. I know this sounds cliche' but--- I can't believe it!! And in those 8 years we feel like we have learned more than couples married twice that time. Our first 2 years were incredibly difficult. We are honest enough with each other to say that we almost didn't make it. But by God's amazing grace, love, and His constant presence in our marriage, we have learned some ways to make it. Our anniversary is 10 days from today, April 23,  so we will be sharing one snippet of guidance each day.

        If you have ever spent any time with us as a couple, you know that we are extremely passionate and in love. We truly are best friends and lovers at the same time. I say this not to condemn or say that we are better than anyone but to inspire others to use some of the lessons we have learned so that you and your spouse will have some insight into a true love story and that realize that it's not all foot rubs and trips to Lowe's together.  So let me put this out there------> (notice it is NOT in fine print!)

Disclaimer: The parties involved are not nor claim to be perfect. The only perfect marriage is the one of Jesus and The Bride of Christ one day when we see Him. 

{Unconventional} Secret #10Break Your Models

      My parents love to work in the yard. They always have. I guess you could call it their hobby. And they do it all themselves- no hired help. At almost 65, my dad gets out on the riding mower and mows the grass and at 70, my mom still gets out an blows leaves, pulls weeds, plants flowers, and trims bushes. When I was little, I remember weekends spent outside playing while they worked in the yard and seemed to have so much fun. They always have taken so much pride in a well manicured weed-free lawn. Many summer months our house won Yard of the Month because of the energy and attention to detail that way put into the outside of our house.  So naturally, when Michael and I got married, I thought we would work together smilingly to create a beautiful lawn.

That first summer we were married and had our first house,  I envisioned us working on yard projects together. In my head I dreamed of him mowing, me planting flowers, us pulling weeds together, then sitting back together to admire our hard work.  My Irish, red headed, fair skinned hubby, however, did not share that same dream. His idea of fun on a weekend was not being out in the hot Texas sun all day, only to have to do it again the next Saturday. Bless his heart, he tried. He mowed and trimmed and pulled a few weeds. But about a year into our marriage he decided to hire someone to mow the lawn.

WHAT??????     How could he not take pride in his lawn? How could he want to actually rest on the weekends? A real man takes care of his yard, right? He certainly doesn't pay someone to do it. I don't have a maid so why does he get to have yard help?

This fight went on and on for years. Actually until probably about a year ago if we are being honest. You see, my 'model' was one that had two parents who liked working in the yard. Because that was my only 'model' or experience to draw on, I thought that must be the way to do it. I thought that to be a real man, as a saw my dad, you must enjoy yard work. I never took into account my husband's desires about his free-time off of work. I never thought that anybody wouldn't like working in the yard. I never thought that he might have other hobbies, interests, etc that he would like to focus on when he is not working.

Here's another one for you...
Christmas. We all have our own 'model' for Christmas, right? All normal families open presents on Christmas morning right? Did you know that there are people in this world that actually open gifts on Christmas Eve??? Craziness, right? Well that is how my husband's family had always done it and I'm pretty sure early in our marriage I told him that was just flat our wrong and silly. In my 'model', we went to Granny's Christmas Eve, came home and slept in our beds, to awake on Christmas morning with a loot from Santa. Hubby's family woke him up sometime late at night to open gifts. Believe it not, this silly little thing has caused arguments in our marriage.

So what kind of 'model' do you need to break? Did your dad give your mom certain things on Valentine's Day that you expect  your husband to give you? Maybe it's not just your parents, maybe you have an aunt who folds laundry a certain way and so you do too, even though your hubby may like his shirts a different way. How often do we as females use fiction as a 'model'. How often have we played out a scenario in our head that we have seen in a favorite movie like The Notebook? Admittedly, I always wanted a guy to say "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." We, as women, have these models built in our heads and we expect our mates to live up to these high expectations that they may not even know about.

His 'model' is wrong and your 'model' is wrong. The only 'model' that is right is one that you build together, one where both of you love each other and love Christ more than you love yourself.

So here is Michael chiming in...
I'm not sure I would say that models are wrong or right necessarily. I would say to understand that they are just models. As husbands and wives we are to lead each other. We should learn to draw together on various models. The reality is that when I elevate the model in my head above my wife, I am ceasing to love and serve her and I am selfishly serving my own interests. We picked up this little nugget from Les and Leslie Parrot and I highly recommend their stuff. http://www.lesandleslie.com/

And BTW.... I do like yard work. I just like the mall, riding my bike, crossfit, and other stuff more. Not to mention that I am terrible at yard work. No matter how many guides I follow on fertilizing and watering, the weeds and clover in my yard actually get worse. But I digress. 

Poppin' Happy Pills

Well, how do I start this??

Hi, I'm Becca and I take Lexapro, an anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety medication.
****GASP****

There. I said it.

I'm actually not ashamed of this fact. I have taken it off and on for almost four years now.  I know what is going through your head right now. You are probably saying one or more of the following:

a.  What? Becca? No way. I would never think that about you,  that you have that problem.
b.  Oh, now it makes sense.
c.  I would never take 'medication'.
d. Christians don't need 'medication' because God can heal everything, especially matters of the heart.
e. All of the above.

     Before giving you some background, I have to first say that I am beyond blessed to have been born to not just one, but two parents in the medical field. My mother is a Registered Nurse and my father is a Physician's Assistant (P.A.), and for all my intents and purposes, a doctor. They always did an awesome job at explaining the anatomy, disease, sickness, treatments, etc. Conversation about such topics was common around our dinner table growing up.

Baby #2

Lincoln- 1 day old

   About 6 weeks before Lincoln was born I started to have that common 2nd time mom fear of "How can I love another baby as much as I love the first one?".  Everyone told me that was all normal. But then in the hospital I knew something was different about me, because I started getting nervous about going home.  I wanted to stay in the safe haven of the hospital.  Michael, Jr. had been the textbook perfect baby and I was so nervous about what was to come with this one. Our first day home I remember sitting on the couch with my tiny sleeping baby dreading the nighttime and what would happen with sleep routines, feeding, etc.  After a day or two, I struggled to pick him up to feed him. I had the perfect thing going with my one child and I just wanted him not this new baby who was already so temperamental. I didn't want to have to figure out how to fit another one into my life and into my heart. In all the baby books they tell you the signs to look out for regarding PPD (post partum depression).  I kept doing a mental check.

• Do I want to hurt myself? No.
• Do I want to hurt my baby? No.     Okay, I must be fine. Must just be the baby blues.

       A few weeks went by. Linc still wasn't sleeping more than 2-3 hours at night. Now, I know that is totally normal for a breastfed baby. But Mikey slept 6 hours by a month old and so I was starting to freak out. In my freaking out, I refused to just 'trust the boobies', as I like to say, in regards to breastfeeding. I would pump some and give him formula at night and try to manipulate it all as best as I could. Nothing seemed to work. This child was not following my rules. Finally, around five weeks or so, I couldn't take the stress of it and I decided to quit breastfeeding cold turkey.  I thought all my emotional issues would resolve. I thought surely if he had formula all day long then he would sleep and we would all be back to normal. Right?  Wrong. With quitting BF, I gained a whole other bag of issues. Now I was sleep deprived, emotionally unstable, and also missing out on bonding time that I so desired and knew I needed with my newborn. I went to my six week doctors appt with my OB. I kind of tip toed around the subject of perhaps having some mild PPD. She said "Yes, it sounds like you need some Lexapro. I'm going to give you a script just in case." I walked out with the script and thought, "I will be better in a few days. I just need some sleep."
 
     After my doctors appointment I went to Babies R Us to purchase some diapers. Anyone who has been in there knows that first section when you walk in is the breastfeeding section. All the pumps and bottles and pads were practically screaming off the shelves at me.  It had been about 3 days since I last BF Lincoln and there right in the middle of BRU, I started having what could only be described as a breakdown. I physically felt like I was Alice in Wonderland as she is falling into the rabbit hole. I was just sinking and sinking and all the breast pumps were talking flowers telling me how awful I was. I walked out without buying anything.

Lincoln- 6 weeks old

 
     I called my dad and told him that Dr. B, my OB, had suggested I take Lexapro because it seemed that I was having some PPD. He agreed! He explained that anytime the body goes through any major changes- childbirth, a move, a marriage, a divorce, a major illness, etc. it does a number on your whole chemical makeup. He explained the difference between serotonin and epinephrine.  He explained that childbirth itself can lower your serotonin then you add sleep loss to that, it just makes it even worse.  My dad has an amazing gift of explaining medical knowledge in lay terms.  Even though my dad thought it was as good idea, I was still so hesitant. I still had so much stigma in my brain attached to taking ant-depressants. I kept thinking about that sad little egg on the Zoloft commercial that has social anxiety disorder and there was no way Becca was going to be a sad little egg.
 
    The very next day, sleep deprived I took Michael to preschool. At our preschool, you have to get out of the car and walk your child in. I carried six week old Lincoln in the car seat in to take Mikey to school. I sat down the car seat as I did every other day and signed Michael in. Then I went to the car and left. About a mile down the road

I LEFT MY BABY AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

     My heart was pumping faster than it ever had before. I made an illegal turn and drove 70 in a 40 getting back to school as fast as I could. I got back to the parking lot and jumped out of the car, engine still running, door standing wide open. Sprinting down the sidewalk and back to the classroom I tried to not make eye contact with anyone. I could not tell anyone what I had done. I got to the front of the classroom and there he was, sleeping in the carrier like I left him, clueless to what had just taken place. Scooping him up quickly, I dashed back to the car, again not making eye contact, praying nobody would notice. I got my precious bundle all strapped in, safe and sound, and I just lost it. Right there in the the preschool parking lot. I fell to pieces. That was it. That was my rock bottom. This was God finally shouting at me--- "You need help!!!"  I had left my baby at school! Not a stroller, not a wallet, not a set of keys. My baby. Where was my head???? You see, when your chemistry is off and your serotonin levels are low, you become forgetful. This is also very common in pregnancy and lots of us ladies causally refer to it as "pregnancy brain." Pregnancy brain is for real ladies and gentlemen! From the school, I went straight to Target to fill my script for Lexapro.
 
    I got home with my bottle of pills, started breastfeeding my baby again, and never looked back. I kid you not, within 5 days I was already beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't feel as deep down in that tunnel. Every day after that I would wake up feeling better and think "Wow, I didn't realize how bad I felt. There is no way I can top the way I'm feeling." But then the next day, I would wake up and feel even better than the day before. Around 6 weeks is when the medication finally levels out and things plateau. I continued to take Lexapro for almost a year. Research shows that taking PPD meds for a full year decreases the recurrence of having to take it again.  Once I finally quit nursing and got back on my normal birth control pills, my hormones leveled out and I could tell that I didn't need the meds anymore.  I went about 18 months drug free!

Baby #3   

    ...And I probably would've stayed that way had I not gotten pregnant with Knox. Of course being preggo I was off my birth control again. I was fine at first; elated to be given a third baby.  This was the baby we had prayed and told God, "If you see fit for us to grow our family, then we are happy to do it again." Around the end of my first trimester, I was starting to get all out of emotional sorts again. But this time, it was not this low sinking tunnel feeling, it was more of an anxious, thermometer rising type feeling. I would snap at my husband out of nowhere. Oh and the kids; the precious kids. They felt the brunt of it more than anyone. They would misbehave or talk back and rather than disciplining them calmly, I would yell and spank more frequently. Rather than move on from a disagreement, I would let it fester. I took everything personally, like they were out to attack me. When I would get upset with them, it was literally like I could feel my body filling up with this hot liquid, bubbling and rising exponentially to the top, where it would then explode and destroy everyone around me. Physically, my heart would race and my blood pressure would go up. Once I 'came down' I had this awful headache. This was happening almost daily. So at my 10 week appointment, I left with a new script for Lexapro in my hands. This time, I did not hesitate to fill it right away.

   Around the 7 month mark or so, sleep began to not be my friend. So Dr. B suggested I try Ambien (a sleeping aid). It worked like magic! And initially I didn't need that much! Only 1/2 a small dose! But then guilt started to kick in. I was now taking an anti/depressant anti/anxiety medication PLUS a sleeping pill, BOTH while pregnant. I for sure could not be THAT girl. So, without talking to anyone about it but myself, I took myself off of the Lexapro. In my crazy preggo reasoning, I told myself that if I slept well at night, my emotions would be fine and I wouldn't need the Lexapro. I had gone off of it before so surely I could do it again? Right?  God gave me this baby so surely He knew I was able to handle being pregnant with it. Right? This happened to be around Christmas time. {Christmas= stress} I also happened to in the middle of a ton of work being done to my kitchen. {home repairs= stress} I stopped the Lexapro and increased the Ambien. It helped at first. I was sleeping so great! But then, the Ambien stopped working as well and my body seemed to need more of it to fall asleep and stay asleep. By New Years, I was up to about 2 full size man doses of Ambien and still only sleeping about 2 hours a night, on the couch. When I would lay down at night to sleep I would start fidgeting and my chest would feel heavy. I couldn't catch my breath.  It was impossible to sleep and barely possibly to breathe. Luckily, thank the Lord, I was due for an OB visit and when I arrived there, my BP was high and I was feeling queasy and weak. I was starting to see black spots. Dr. B came in and we talked about my sleep. She asked if I was still taking my Lexapro. Reluctantly, I told her the truth and my crazy preggo reasoning.  She stepped up and Momma talked me a little bit and instructed me to go home, start back on my Lexapro. She wrote the following on her script pad for me:

• Take a Tylenol PM and an Ambien, Take a hot bath, then an hour later take another Tylenol PM and an Ambien. 

"Do this for 3 nights." she said. "Then after that just take 1 Ambien every night if you need it."
What????

7 mos preggo- TIRED!!

   
    Well, I followed Dr's orders. I finally slept decent that night. Not amazing, but better. The next night even better. Finally by that 3rd night, I was sleeping great. I was a little foggy during the day until that 4th day, but I finally was starting to come back out of the tunnel again.
I stayed on the Ambien until Knox was about 4-5 days old.
 
    Knox is now 13 months and I am still taking my Lexapro. I am still nursing. Did you know that nursing lowers your estrogen levels. Estrogen is what makes us ladies feel and act like ladies. I am planning to stay on my Lexapro until I feel that I no longer need it. That may be when I am done nursing, it may not. It may be forever. Who knows?
 
   The point is, I just really felt this urgency in my heart to post this. I feel like so many mommas out there struggle with their hearts and emotions and don't realize how common it is. They don't realize the physical feelings and detriments of depression and anxiety.  When I used to be elbow deep in fabric and my sewing business for DDD, people would always ask, "How do you do it all?" My response was always, "Well... I'm just a tad crazy but I take pills for that, so it's alllll good." That's true. Once I embraced my issues and did no feel shame in them, I was able to recover and function normally.

The Tricky Part

Do I believe the Lord is my Healer, Jehovah Rapha? Yes! I do. I believe that he heals the broken hearts and binds up wounds (Psalm 147:3) and heals all disease (Psalm 103:3). I am the Lord who heals you! --Exodus 15:26

Do we all have special gifts and talents that the Lord has positioned in us? Yes!

Do I also believe that God chooses people, like the apostle Luke, to be Physicians or doctors, which in the old Testament, meant 'healer'? 

 Does the Lord provide knowledge and common grace to doctors, psychologists, therapists, etc? You bet.

If your child had diabetes, would you refuse them insulin because of the 'stigma' that went with it? Would you just hold out for healing from God? I have a precious friend, whose angel of a child has a chromosomal difference that causes his development in certain skills to be delayed. Should she fore go all therapy and treatment and 'hold out for a miracle.' Or does she believe that God has chosen people to work for Him and through Him?

Do we get colds, flu, depression, disease, and even cancer because we are awful, bad people? No,  God has woven it all in His plan and through all sickness- mind or body-- wants us to draw into him and praise him throughout it. I believe I have a fullness and a healing in Him because I have submitted my will to the authority and knowledge of a doctor. I believe He has me in His best interest and because of that, He has provided a way through my OB and modern medicine to correct and chemical in balance in my body.

We are all sinners and because of His healing and saving grace, he has allowed Doctors, nurses, therapists, etc to be instruments of his power.

Dear God, I pray for women and mommies out there. I pray for broken, sad hearts who need to be healed by you, the ultimate healer. God there is no condemnation in you and by you. You are the Almighty Healer, Jehovah Rapha. Only you can heal our full hearts. Thank you God for choosing health professionals. Thank you that you would entrust them with your work and duties God. I pray that anyone out there who needs some emotional healing would seek you first, then seek medical help by one of your servants. God, thank you that you showed me rock bottom. I am thankful that you took me there, showed me the ugliness that exists and because of that, my desire is to never return there again. I want to serve you Lord. Thank you for healing my heart and thank you for giving me amazing parents and doctors who believe in my well-being. 
Amen---

Contention= Castration

"It is better to live in a desert land, then with a contentious and vexing woman." 

Proverbs 21:19

****This is just a small dabbling in the issue of marriage, submission, wives, etc. I know the topic runs very deep and with the Lord's help, I hope to submerge deeper in it. For now, this is what He has given me. 


Last week we surprised our clan with a trip to Disney World!!! Yep-- 7 days, 6 nights, two 4-hour flights, 3 suitcases, 20+ shuttle rides, 4 parks, and slumber in a Tow Mater bed with 3 Caney boys. While it wasn't vacation, per say, it was magical and amazing time together.
By the end of the first park day, Michael and I realized two things we were going to get a kick out of from the trip:
1. The awesomeness that is Asian Fashion. And I say that with much love. Those girls know how to rock some patterns & print pairings.
2. People Watching at it's best. People come from all over the world to visit the Mouse. There were times when everyone around us was from another country. We loved it! We loved watching families interact and play together. We enjoyed watching how and what others eat.

By about day 3, I really started paying close attention to how spouses would interact with each other. While Disney is the the most magical place on earth-- the crowds, small children, heat, lines, etc. can really make people show their sin. I noticed how people would snap at each other in an instant (guilty) and how husband and wives would speak to one another.

One particular day, we had just walked off a ride at Animal Kingdom. There was a family from the UK  with 3 children, similar in ages to my 3. The wife was, as say in our house, 'giving him the business'. She was ranting and raving and shaking her finger to her husband like he was a dog who just pooed on the carpet. "I've been stuck here with a baby in the stroller all week and I am just flat out sick of it. I'm sick of it and I'm tired of it. You need to ......", she ranted on and on with a thick british accent.  I'm pretty sure there was a little foot stomping like a 3 year old who doesn't get his way. She looked at her husband, her man who is supposed to be her champion, with disgust like he was gum on the bottom of her shoe. I looked at the poor man who was being reduced to nothing.  He looked crushed. He looked so disheartened. He looked as if she just just castrated him and then handed his 'jewels' on a paper plate.  He had his shoulders shrugged and his hands up in surrendur saying  over and over "You're right. Yes, dear."  I felt so bad for the man. I pointed out hte situation to Michael and told him that I just wanted to go give that husband a hug and tell him it was okay.  Of course, being the broken sinner that I am, in my head I start judging the man-slaying she-dragon that I saw this woman to be.  Judge away I did.

Fast forward to the next day, our last day of magic. The big boys were off to ride Pirates of the Carribean and Knox had just fallen sound asleep in the stroller. I sat on a bench and caught up on my people watching while I waited.  A mom, dad, and toddler walked up and sat near me; a hispanic family this time.  They sat and started talking about what they wanted to do next. The man started to speak and she immediately cut him off and started in, 'giving him the business'.  She started blurting out orders "you need to _________, you need to stop ___________, I can't believe you ___________. I told you____________" and on and on and on with a little Latina neck snap in between each order. This poor man just sat there and accepted the orders without question.  That daddy scooped up his 'jewels' and his little boy and pressed on like nothing had happened. Once they walked away, I got one of those nice little Holy Spirit gut punches. He was lovingly reminding me that I have the same tendencies as these women I had been noticing. Not all the time, but it had happened. And early in our marriage, it happened often. I had apologized for it before but I felt the need to apologize again.
That day when we got back for our rest time at the resort, I immediately repented to my husband for speaking to him that way and I prayed that I would be slow to do it again.

So ladies, how are you speaking to your bridegroom, your Prince, your man?? Are you controlling?  Are you contentious?  Do you correct your husband? Do you feel like it's your job to point out things he does wrong?   There was a time in our marriage when I was much more like these women than I am now. I wanted control and I wanted Michael to fix all my problems. I was looking for a personal Savior. Instead of looking for fullness and joy in my Heavenly mate Jesus, I was looking to my earthly mate to fix everything.
Our men are to be our champions, our dragon slayers, our fighters. My husband loves epic moves like Troy, 300, and Gladiator. I like to think of him as my Achilles (Brad Pitt's character) headed out every day to fight wars then to return to me as his soft spot to rest.  My heart's desire is to patch up his battle wounds from the office and build him up so that he can go after another day to provide for our family. In Genesis, God created man first in His image, then he created us in man's image to be a helper, not a fighter. How are our men ever supposed to lead and fill their divine roll if we are not a helpmate to them? I am not perfect in this role, none of us are. I thought it necessary to point out the geographic origin of the women I listed above, not to be stereotypical in any way, but rather to point out that this is a global problem. Women are castrating their men every day, in public and in front of their children.

Lord, I pray for marriages right now. I pray for wives who are mean, hurtful, and slanderous to their husbands. I pray that you would open their eyes to the hurt they are causing their men. Lovingly give them wisdom Father. Give them a desire to love and serve their husbands. Help husbands stand strong and not fear rejection or cruelty from their wives. Lord give our men softness in their heart to graciously accept repentace from their wives and give those wives a softness in their hearts to allow their men to lead. I pray that women would seek your face first Lord for fullness and joy so that they may be a place of comfort rather than content for their husbands. 

HE Will Fight For You- A Birth Story

Trust in the Lord,

And he will fight for you.

Exodus 14:14

Today we celebrated sweet Knox Driscoll's first birthday.

I have never been that normal mom that cries when I drop off my boys at a 5 hour Mother's Day Out or worries excessively when they are with a babysitter. In fact, when my oldest started Pre-K, I couldn't get him gone soon enough. But for some reason, with Knox's first birthday nearing, I am starting to be one of those sappy mom's I used to roll my eyes at in the pick up line. Maybe it's because I know he is my last? Maybe it's because through him, the Lord has taught me how truly sweet motherhood can be.

Before his conception, I had no idea we would even have another baby.  I have said before that I DESPISE being pregnant. There is nothing about it that I enjoy, well, except for eating more treats and wearing elastic waist pants all the time. Other than that, pregnancy does a whirlwind on my emotions. We have had some extreme marital problems during pregnancy. One day, I will be ready to expose those layers. From the outside, my doctor says I have normal boring pregnancies, but I hate how carrying another life brings me down. I hate getting fat. I hate not being able to be as active as I normally I am. I have varicose veins, from the waist down.  There is no comfort except sleeping. Knowing my body goes though all of that, I thought surely, since I am trusting the Lord fully this time, He will not make me go through all of these ailments. Surely, if I give it over to him, he will heal me of all these crazy things and allow me to have a normal pregnancy. Now I know it could've been worse. I could have that blood disease where I have to get a shot every day. Or I could've been on bed rest. Or I could've lost a baby. I praise the Lord every single day that I have never had to know that heartache of losing a baby. But for someone who loves exercise as much as I do and who lives such a full and active life, pregnancy is this borderline hell for me. So this last time, I prayed and prayed and tossed it all on the Lord, just like I am supposed to. And guess what, it was worse than the fist two. Yes. Worse.

So fast forward to closer to my due date. With the first 2 boys, I had vaginal births. I went in for scheduled inductions 3-5 days before my due date. My plan was to get every drug available and push a baby out feeling no pain.  I apparently have an odd spacing in my spine, because with older boy's labors, they had to redo my epidural 3 times, completely in and completely out. NOT FUN! A test dose would send my heart rate up to 200 and I would start to black out.  All that, all the extra meds made me nauseous so they gave me Finnergin, and I was zonked out and slept through all my labor. In fact, with my first, I fell asleep when I was at 5cm and the nurse woke me up to push and I asked for "10 more minutes" like she was my alarm clock. I was totally out of it.

With Knox being my last baby, I knew early on in my pregnancy that I wanted a different labor experience once the time came. I really had started to grow some trust in the Lord. I was really embracing what it meant to be a woman, a daughter of the King. The thought of a natural labor was starting to intrigue me. With the previous labor experiences and my not fun epidurals, I knew I desired something different. I knew the Lord had a different plan this time around. About 8 weeks in,  I remember tossing the idea out to my husband. "What if we do a natural labor this time?" I asked him.
He immediately shot me down. "No, absolutely not. There is no need for  you to feel pain if you don't have to." Every couple of weeks I would bring up the subject with Michael again. And every time, he would not discuss it. I was feeling pretty discouraged. How could he not see what the Lord had intended for me? Did he not realize the Lord made women's bodies to push out a baby?

A friend suggested the book Supernatural Childbirth. Now, I'm not going to lie, I thought the majority of it was hokey and most of the theology was completely off from how I believe. But it did give me some insight to how women have been having babies since the beginning of time. God created us and our bodies and the magical process of childbirth. It gave me a desire to put my trust in the Lord.
So I started praying, daily. Not necessarily for my birth or for my baby, but for my husband. I prayed that the Lord would soften his heart and open his eyes to the possibility of allowing God to carry me through the labor with no meds. I never saw natural childbirth as a badge of honor to earn, but more of a cross to carry. I wanted to experience everything He had created women to experience. We were only about 2 weeks away from my due date. I was scared that Michael would not jump on board and without his encouragement and support I knew there was no way I could do it.  I had told my OB that I was thinking about going natural and she said she would help me if that was my decision. But Michael still had not come around. Lucky for me, he loves watching documentaries on Netflix. So we turned on The Business of Being Born, a documentary on home birth by Ricki Lake.  I kid you not, ten minutes into the movie, and he was convinced! He had no idea the effects of all the drugs on the unborn babies. He had no idea the cycle that is created upon induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc and how all that can ultimately lead to Csection.  He saw all these women calm and relaxed with no tubes and big needles. He saw calm content babies being born. He said, "THAT is the way God intended us to have babies. We are going to have our baby like that. Is it too late to get a midwife?"

Oh Praise the Lord!!!! This was the desire of my heart. This was what I had been praying for. I knew with his support I could fully turn everything over to the Lord. No, we didn't get a midwife. We have an amazing OB, so amazing, in fact that we named Knox after her but we prayed that night over the baby and we prayed together about my upcoming delivery. We prayed that the Lord would work through our OB and we would trust her judgement.

It was my due date. February 16, 2012.  I went to a doctor's appointment. She did a sono, shot a glance over at the nurse,  then suggested we induce labor the next day. This was not part of my plan. I was supposed to go into labor naturally. I called my husband and he told me he thought we needed to trust the doctor, Dr. B. I reluctantly agreed with him. So I went home and ate cupcakes and bacon. I went to the acupuncturist for the 3rd time. I prayed and meditated constantly begging the Lord to send me into labor naturally. I got a pre-natal massage. I sat on the bouncy ball. I ate Greek food and played Wii. God, please please let this baby come naturally. 

We were supposed to be at the hospital for induction at 7am. At 5:30 they called me and said they were full and that I couldn't come in yet. Really???? This is supposed to be my labor day and you are cutting me off? We waited around the house. I ate an entire bag of Ghiradelli raspberry squares while sitting on my exercise ball and reading my Bible, searching for any Words I could find on trust. Finally, the hospital called around 11am and said I could come in at 1pm. It was here. I was going to have to be induced. I was totally against it. I begged and pleaded with the Lord, PLEASE let me go into labor now! Somehow I stumbled on Exodus 14:14 "Trust in the Lord and He will fight for you." I got what I like to call a 'Holy Spirit rib nudge'. There it was. That verse seemed to jump out and have little flashing lights around it. Maybe it was more of a 'Holy Spirit gut punch'. That was to be my mantra, if you will, for this process. I told Michael. He agreed and said, "Oh yeah. It's like *my Jesus with his tattoo and sword.'
*Side note- if you've ever seen the terrible Will Ferrell movie Talladega Nights, remember the dinner scene when they are praying over the meal and they all have a different version of Jesus? One talks about how he likes to think of Jesus laying there watching baby Einstein videos and the other likes to think of Jesus in swaddling golden diapers. Well, Michael and I each have our own 'Jesus'. His is the Jesus of Revelations, with a tattoo on his thigh and a big sword.

¹⁵ From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.¹⁶ On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Rev 19:15-17

That day, I put my full most trust in that Jesus! I agreed and believed that I would surrender to Him and allow to Him to work in the nurses and doctors to give me the desires of my heart. We got to the hospital and I let them hook me up to the IVs to start pitocin, the medicine which induces labor contractions. I bounced on my ball, sat in the chair, laid in the bed. Four hours in and not much progression. I came to the hospital at 3cm and was sitting at about 4cm.  No pain. I could see a little action on the monitor, but nothing exciting. Not what I was hoping to hear. Around 7pm the nurses switched shifts and my doctor came to see me. She said "I think if you want to make this happen, I need to break your water." NO NO No! This was not what I wanted. I had already allowed them to hook me up to pitocin. I was not about to let them intervene any more. Part of it was fear. I knew that if I let her break my water, I was in it. There was no turning back. I was going to have this baby. I looked at Michael thinking for sure that he would feel the same way as me. We prayed and he said "Babe, we agreed to let God work through the doctors and nurses. Do you trust God? Do you trust me? Do you trust Dr B? I think we need to let her break your water and get this thing moving." I agreed. 

See my amusement?

Dr. B came in around 7:30 and broke my water. Not fun at all, but I immediately started saying "Trust in the Lord and he will fight for you" in my head and I made it through that. Once the water was broken, I immediately start to feel some relief from the pressure of the veins that had been ailing me. And I got this instant high, this adrenaline rush of being so free in the Lord. I mentioned before how amazing Dr. B is. After she broke the water, she sat at my bedside. She and Michael talked and I immediately started feeling contractions. I let them talk and each contraction came a little quicker and a little stronger than before. There was this sign in the room. I honestly can't remember what it said, but every time a contraction would come on, I would look over at that sign, and go to another place and "Trust in the Lord, he will fight for you." After an hour or so, the real pain started. Transitional labor, I believe is the correct term. I started pacing. I went to the bathroom. I actually wanted to stay in there all alone, well, me and my tattooed Jesus anyway. A contraction would come and I would start to imagine this wilderness of weeds and thorns and Jesus was trenching through it swiping out everything with his sword until he got to a clear meadow. Phew, rest. 1 minute later, there would be the woods again. Jesus was carrying me on his back and slaying dragons, beasts, and cutting down trees with that sword. Together, we made it through to a clearing. This went on for about 2 hours. 1 minute on 1 minute off. 

The Lord carrying me the entire time. Yes, it hurt. Yes, there was pain. I just focused on the Lord and allowed him to suffer it for me. It got time to push. I could do this. Michael was looking at me and being so encouraging and I just remember telling him to shut up and let me do my thing! I started pushing and started to chicken out. It was way too late for an epi and I was not having a Csection, so I guess I had to do it. I gave a good push and I kid you not, I thought someone was ripping me in half.  I screamed and screamed and yelled, squeezing all life out of Michael's hand. I looked at my little audience of nurses and screamed "GET IT OUT OF ME". Finally, out came this enormous baby, and he peed all over us! 

This sounds awful, and judge if you must, but I am not one to hold my baby straight from the womb. I like them to clean them up first. So they took him over to the scales. 8lbs 9oz. Wow!!! Dr. B looked at me and said "See, that is why I wanted to induce you today." She knew he was bigger than my others, she knew I desired to have a natural birth. She knew that if she told me he was big, I might chicken out and not go with my plan.

They cleaned him and wrapped him up and brought me my precious Knox Driscoll. He was beautiful and perfect. I snuggled that little baby, immediately attached him to the breast,  and thanked the Lord for carrying me. I thanked the Lord for fighting for me. It was with Knox that I really began to revel in the sweetness that the Lord intended motherhood to be. 

A year later, now on his 1st birthday, I am still growing and learning what the Lord has for me. I continue to use that verse in all difficult and painful situations. 

The beauty of all this is that the Lord wants to carry it all for us.  His desire is that we draw into Him, that we learn to lean on him in all situations, so that he can show us just how big He is. No matter how big or how small, God can and wants to carry you though it. What does your Jesus look like and will you let Him take over?

Your Beloved: Truths or Lies?

You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44

My beloved speaks and says to me: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away,

Song of Solomon 2:10

My beloved is mine, and I am his; he grazes among the lilies.

Song of Solomon 2:16

As I have said before, the whole purpose of the written portions of this blog are to glorify God. In January he commanded me to start speaking out and being bold and obeying His direction. While it's all fun and games to talk about 'poop' and my precious boys, before I'm a mom, I'm a wife. In the almost 8 years we've been married, Michael and I feel like we have been through more heartache and struggles than many couples who've been married 2 or 3 times as long. We have dishonored each other in a multitude of areas. I've felt for awhile, that the Lord wanted to use me to speak on marriage and talk about some of the things we've dealt with to serve as an example to others, but never felt like I had the place or opportunity to share. So sharing begins now. My hearts desire is to, little by little,  expose my sin. Just like the poop, we all have it. Some have more, some have less, but we all have it.

    It was a hot, 110+ degree Friday in August here in North Texas. Our beloved babysitter was headed back to college the next week and this was our last opportunity for a date night until she returned for the holidays.  New $16.99 maxi dress from TjMaxx- check. Great summer tan from being with the boys at the pool- check. Clean hair & shaved legs, check check. We got the kids in bed and headed out to dinner. I was so giddy I couldn't stop being chatty. We had only had 2-3 dates since the baby arrived 6 months before and I was just thrilled to be alone with my man. In the car I talked and talked. Waiting on a glass on wine at the restaurant bar, I chatted and babbled.  If you know my husband, it's not like him to let me do so much talking. He's a rare breed and he normally has plenty to say.  By the time our meals arrived, I had run out of things to say and was starting to tell stories about the kids. In my mind I kept thinking...... "What is wrong with him?? or What is wrong with me?

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Do I look terrible? Is he not as excited about this as I am?"

"Is this not a big deal?"

 "Is he still attracted me?"

    These thoughts kept snowballing. I finally asked him, "Are you okay? Is something wrong? Did I do anything?"
He replied, "No, I'm fine. Just enjoying being out with you." 

    Do I believe that?????? NO!!! My husband, who always talks, always has an opinion, always has a joke to crack, had nothing. He had probably said 10 words since we left the house over an hour ago. Clearly, I was doing something wrong, right???? This was not normal. He said everything is fine, but he must be doing the woman version of fine because he is not at all acting fine.
  After dinner, we headed over to a live music venue. Luckily it was loud in there and so I didn't have to try and come up with anything else interesting to talk about. We had a drink then headed home.I was silent the whole drive. As was he. By that point I was so frustrated. I had built up this awesome and romantic date night in my head full of flirtatious banter and giggles. The babysitter left and we crashed. I went to sleep feeling like I had done something wrong. "Out of all nights, the one night we have out alone and he can't even have any conversation with me?"
By the next morning I tried to chalk it up as a loss and move on. That day he seemed to annoy me every so slightly in just random things he would do.
A day or so later, he tried to come on to me and do what husbands and wives do ("laundry" is what we call it in front of the kids)  but I was not interested. "I wasn't enough then so why would I be enough now?" I thought.

A couple days later, I gave in to his come ons, we did what husbands and wives do,  but I held back significantly on the emotional part of it. "I better do my wifely duties." I thought.

Within a week, I found myself being snappy with him out of nowhere. Still pondering on that date night, still annoyed with him that he couldn't give me anything that night out of the house.  "He doesn't think you are that great. He should've saved some energy and conversation for you." I thought.

Within a month, every time I would look at him, I would feel so ANNOYED! We were starting to have stupid little petty cat fights over everything. He would snap at me and I would snap back. I was holding back emotionally and intimately. "He doesn't deserve it." I heard myself say.

Finally, about 5 weeks later, things finally came to a head. It was a Saturday night and we had been to church and just gotten the kids to bed. I really don't remember how it came up, but we ended up fighting and yelling (him). And fighting and crying (me). Pause- one of the things I adore about my husband, is that he is SOOOO good about getting me to verbalize feelings and thoughts. I can't always get the right words out until I talk to him. But he has this way of talking to someone and going "So what you are saying is ____________" and it being dead on every time.
After a couple hours of talking, he finally pulled it out of me and helped me identify that I had been angry about that date night 5 weeks before. That I was still holding on to a grudge and an expectation of that date night. That I was living a lie I had believed.

    If you go back and look at the conversation above, I highlighted his words in blue. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  Idiot Becca!!!! He really was just taken back and speechless and enjoying the quiet with me, something we rarely experience at home.  Rather than believing him, I immediately started making up these lies. And the lies snowballed and got uglier and worse. The drove a wedge in my marriage. They kept us apart intimately. The lies took glory and harmony from my marriage. And who allowed it?? Me!!!! Weeping, I repented. Being the sinner that I am, repenting to my husband is not fun.  I apologized for allowing myself to be open for the enemy to plant a seed that grew into a tree of problems, branching into every area of our life.

  That's right. Just like our first mother Eve, I believed it. It sounded right. It made sense? Sure. I was awesome and hot, why would he not be into me? Lies are straight from the enemy's snarling mouth and rather than reject them, I received them.  I believed them to be true and I started living my life as if they were truths. "He doesn't deserve your kindness, he's not really into you." I would hear often. When he would initiate intimacy, "Yeah he only wants one thing. He doesn't want to 'preheat the oven' for you." was the lie that would fill my head.

   In those 5 weeks, I played host to all kinds of garbage regarding my husband, my Beloved. I was allowing the enemy into my head and giving him power over me and my marriage. What started out as a simple date night miscommunication, snowballed into something much worse.
What was the truth in the matter? Michael was so smitten and so happy to be out with me that he was pretty much speechless. That he loves and adores me like his precious princess and he was dumbfounded having me all to himself.

    With it being Valentine's day, I really feel heavy on my heart to speak to the ladies. Because of the fall in Genesis, women are especially more susceptible to lies. Ladies- your husband loves you. He chose you to be his bride, just as Christ chose the church to be his bride. He CHOSE YOU and continues to choose you. If he doesn't act as romantic as you'd like, or bring you that jewelry you've been eyeing, or say some perfect Ryan Gosling line, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he's a man. It means he thinks different than you.  There will be tons of gals posting pics of their roses and chocolates on social media sites. The enemy loves to use Facebook as a way of saying "Look how awesome so-and-so's husband is. Yours sucks since he didn't do this for you." It's like a little cartoon devil himself is standing there dancing around all those photos from everyone else pointing his finger at you and saying "nah-nah-nah-nah- nah-nah". DO NOT LET HIM  DO IT!!!
    Instead, ask Jesus, "What is the truth here?" Satan loves to try and destroy marriages. He hates to see something so beautiful. He is the father of lies. His ultimate desire is to hurt you. What is the desire of the Father? To love you. That is all. He created marriage to be beautiful and to glorify Him. I chose the photo of us above because to me, it is a perfect picture of how we are to love each other. This was a candid shot a wedding photographer took of us. We had no idea it was being taken. He is looking at me so passionately and I am admiring him. I love the emotion and Truth this photo evokes.
  If something or some words or some thoughts come into your head that do not line up with the Truth, put them to death!!!!

Heavenly Father, 
   I pray for ladies. I pray for wives. I pray for all marriages. I pray that you would open our eyes to sin, that you would help us be on alert and stand guard against all evil trying to pollute our marriages. Help us recognize lies and crush them. Help us recognize truth and delight in it, especially in regards to our Beloveds. I pray for women who are believing lies and opening the door to the enemy in their marriages. I pray God that the Holy Spirit would reveal to them that they are believing lies and deceit. I pray for humility of wives, that we would be able to repent when we are sinning and hosting the enemy in our hearts. I pray that husbands would be open and kind and receptive of that repentance. Lord, I pray for marriages all over. You created the sanctity of marriage and you created us to love each other just as you loved us. Thank you Jesus for being my first Valentine, for loving me first and thank you for all my earthly loves.
Amen.

Formed in the Womb AND a paleo birthday cake

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.

Jeremiah 1:5

even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love ⁵ he predestined us^[a] for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ,according to the purpose of his will, ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

Ephesians 1:4-6

That's right! Today I celebrate my 29th birthday for the 4 time now. I woke up this morning and thanked the Lord for creating me and choosing me before the beginning of time. 

Heavenly Father, thank you, that in your divine power, you created me. You made me from nothing. You reached out your hand and formed me in my mother. Your hand has guided me my entire life. You created me to glorify you. You adopted me into your Holy Kingdom. Thank you for allowing me to speak your Words and for giving me words of life. Use me as your servant and as your light. 

Isn't it amazing to know that He chose us? Before the beginning of time, he knew I would be sitting here on February 7, 2013 celebrating and praising him for my life. The life that would be nothing without Him. I have a beautiful life that He created for me. He loved me so much that he gave me breath and three gorgeous little boys and an adoring husband. And because of His unfailing grace, there is nothing in this world I can ever do that will make Him stop loving me!!

Paleo Birthday Cake

Call me old fashioned, or heck, just call me Southern. My all-time favorite cake is a good classic yellow with chocolate frosting. In staying on my paleo journey, I wanted to make myself a yummy cake. There are a ton of options out there for chocolate cakes because in paleo cooking, cocoa often is used to mask the gluten-less flavor. So I finally found a handful of cake recipes and used my prior non-paleo baking knowledge to whip one up! I adapted some of the ingredients and instructions from this recipe but changed things up quite a bit to make it my own. 

For a 2 layer cake

6 large eggs, room temp

1/2 cup coconut sugar

2 tsp vinegar

2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp kosher salt 

2 TB lemon juice

1 stick butter, room temp

2Tb vanilla

2 cups fine almond flour, sifted

1. Set oven to 325. Cut parchment or wax paper to set in 2 8" cake pans. As long as you have good condition non-stick pans, you won't need to grease. 

2. Separate eggs. Beat the whites & vinegar with a stand mixer or hand mixer until soft peaks form. (If using a stand mixer transfer these white to a clean bowl b/c you will need your mixer bowl for the next step). Set whites aside. 

3. Cream together your room temperature butter and coconut sugar until mixed well- 2-3 minutes on med-hi. It will never 'cream' like a traditional sugar, but mixing them together coats the sugar in fat to help it from changing form when mixed with the eggs & leavening agents. 

4. To egg yolks add vanilla, baking soda, salt, & lemon juice. Yes, it will fizz! Mix with a whisk. 

5.  Add the yolk mixture to the butter sugar mixture and mix on medium for 2 minutes. 

6. Add the whites back to the mixer bowl and mix on low until combines, scraping if necessary. 

7. Finally, add in sifted almond flour. Don't skip the sifting step! You wouldn't believe the 'chunks' that are left behind when you sift. This ensures a softer, finer texture and more rise to your cake.

8. Mix well for 2 more minutes, 

9. Pour into rounds, dividing evenly. 

10. Bake 18-20 mins.

11. Once done, remove from oven and immediately flip cakes out of pans, upside down, onto a cooling rack. Cool completely then wrap up and put in fridge to cool well. You need them cool to get your icing to spread. 

Paleo Chocolate Frosting

1/2 cup Enjoy Life brand chocolate chips

1/2 cup of full fat coconut milk

1/2 Tb butter

pinch of salt

1. Heat coconut milk in a saucepan over med lo heat until it starts to simmer.

2. Place chips in a mixing bowl. Once milk simmers, pour it over chocolate. Let sit without touching for 1 minute.

3. Whisk together to reveal a gorgeous chocolate sauce!! Add in butter & salt now and whisk.

* If you prefer more of a ganache type frosting, you can leave as is and pour over cooled cake layers now. If you prefer more of an actual frosting, follow directions below.

4. Once mixed, set chocolate in fridge til close to solid- approx 1 hour. 

5. Remove from fridge and whip it with a hand mixer about a minute to add some air to it and get it spreadable. 

6. To assemble, place one layer of cake face down on plate. Spread about 2-3 Tb of frosting over the top of it. Place top layer over it. Use the rest of frosting to frost your cake. Keep in fridge until serving. 

...And more poo

We have all become like one who is unclean,

    and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.We all fade like a leaf,    and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.

Isaiah 64:6

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,²⁴ and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, ²⁵ whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 

Romans 3:23-24

You might think I am nuts, gross, or whatever for writing about poo. But let's face it, mom's deal with it. It's better to laugh about it and put it all out there, right? I am here to be transparent and deliver the words the Lord gives me.
If you read last week's post about poo, you will recall how I ultimately compared our sin to 'poo'.
With 3 boys, poo seems to be a common visual, conversational topic, theme, etc. Someone is either doing it or talking about it 90% of my day. True story. In fact, Lincoln has his own special phrase-- "Poopy Socks" that he has made up and uses it to name all his favorite stuffed animals.
This week's poo story involves the baby. Somehow these things also always happen when Hubby is not here. It was bath night for the baby. He bathes in my tub. Knox was situated fine and playing happily in the tub. I have a chair in my bathroom where I sit and let Knox play and splash for awhile. It sits about 2 feet away from the tub. Due to the angle and placement of the chair, I can only see him from the waist up peeking out over the tub, I can't see directly in the bottom of the tub.  He was just splashing and playing so happy. No cares at all! Mikey adores his baby brother and usually comes in to help while I am bathing him. He walks right over to the tub to hand Knox a toy and immediately with disgust he says"Um, mom. Knox pooped in the tub."
My first thought was "Oh I got this. I will get the shovel and scoop out the pile" (like in last week's post). So I stand up to asses the situation. Nope, there is not a little pile to scoop out. He is literally swimming and splashing in a cesspool! It's like Slumdog Millionaire up in here!
Quick! I pulled him out of the tub and toweled him off  leaving him to play naked in the bathroom. Mikey watched him while I ran for my trusty garden trowel and a plastic grocery bag. I start scooping, hoping to fish it all out. The scooping makes it worse! Every piece I attempt to scoop turns into more pieces. I've got a naked cold baby on a tile floor and I am scooping poop out of the tub. This was not the result I was hoping for. The only thing I can think of left to do is just open the drain and wash it all away. The drain will carry it away much easier than I could fish it all out. Because it had sat there in the water, it had spread. And everytime I tried to get rid of it, it spread even more. The only thing I could do was to give in, open up the drain, and start over.
So I let it all run down the drain. I washed the tub with Scrubbing Bubbles. Then I started over. Knox got a new, clean, warm bath and he was good as new. No residue or trace of poo to be seen.
You know where I'm going with this right??
Imagine Knox's poo is our sin. He can't help it. He's a baby. It is his human nature to poo. All of us do it, not just babies. He pooed in the water. After sitting in the water, that poo spread. Sin spreads when it's not handed over to the Lord immediately. I kept trying to clean it out and scoop it up, ultimately making it worse. I can't clean up my sin or anyone else's. When I do that, it just makes it spread and makes it worse. The only person that can clean up that sin is God. So when we finally quit trying to clean up our messes and give in and pull up the drain, we allow him to absorb all that sin. He carries it away like the poo in that drain. He takes it far away, never to return, if we allow him to. Then, we can start with a brand new fresh and clean bath. Does that mean we will never poo or sin again? Absolutely not! Hopefully it just means that we will maybe not do it in the bath next time, or when we do, rather than trying to handle it on our own, we will immediately give in turn it to God. He can carry it away!

What we deserve is to sit there in our sin, Slumdog style, and let it fester. We are nothing without Jesus. But in the same way I would never dream of letting my precious baby swim around in that mess, Jesus loves us that much that he wants to carry away that sin right away, if we will give it to Him.

How amazing is it that our God in Heaven, sent his Son to clean up all our poo so that we can one day live with Him? It's humbling to know that we all have poo. You, me, every single one of us.

What kind of poo are you trying to clean up in your life? Is there something messy and out of control? Is there something that you keep trying to clean up or fix, only to be left with making it worse? What can you give to Jesus to carry away?