Lincoln/Fuzz/Lincster Happy 4th Birthday

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

Phillipians 2:12-16    

Wow. I started looking through pics to make Lincoln his own special birthday post and it was so hard to narrow them down. So I apologize in advance for the "Lincoln Show".

 9 months

    From the time I got pregnant with my special little ginger, I knew he was something different. I've mentioned before that my pregnancies with both the oldest (Michael) and the youngest (Knox) were both unplanned surprises, but Lincoln was one we really had to work for. We started trying for a second baby in June of 2008. Since my pregnancy with Michael Jr had occurred so spontaneously, we thought for sure that we be the case for this one as well. Nope.

I think this is my fave pic of him ever!! Love this hair. 

   Two months passed. I was not pregnant yet. I was beginning to obsess about it. I thought for sure there was something wrong with me since we had conceived Michael Jr so easily and unknowing.  I started taking my temperature everyday before I got out of bed and going through ovulation tests purchased from eBay like clean underwear. Yes, looking back and talking with friends who deal with true infertinliy I know that I was just being crazy. But I wanted to control this. You know?  With my lack of control of getting preggo with Michael jr, I made it my mission to control every single aspect of his infancy-- his sleep, his eating, his moods, etc. I was determined to keep that control with this next (hopeful) pregnancy. I wanted 2 kids, 2 boys to be exact, and I wanted them exactly 2.5 years apart. So when I didn't get preggo that first month, I was mad. So from August to October, getting pregnant and collecting data to get pregnant consumed me.   Like the above Proverb says-- I was super guilty of leaning on my own understanding. I failed to surrender to the Lord's plan and that did nothing but cause me stress and guilt.  Why do we this to ourselves? It's because we often forget that God has no surprises. He already has it all figured out. Sometimes he's just waiting on us to realize that.

18 months

     Finally, sometime in late October, I had a talk with my dad. He told me that I needed to relax and stop trying to control it and I would get pregnant when I was supposed to. Never mind that he had already told me this several times. But for some reason, this time I listened. I stopped peeing on that expensive paper. I stopped looking at the calendar. I stopped putting pressure on my husband.

    On November 25, 2008, my husband's 27th birthday, I finally got that + sign I had been praying for. And to boot I wrapped up that little magic stick and gave it to him as a gift! So lesson learned #1-- Stop trying to control things that are out of your control. Give it to God and he will come through when He is ready.

     Other than my horror movie worthy varicose veins, my pregnancy this time was pretty uneventful. I had some anxiety about opening my heart to another child and I was nervous about how he would rock my control boat, but other than that, it was pretty blah.

We call this our "Jean Model Photo Shoot"

    He was due August 3, 2009. Awesome (insert sarcastic face), Mikey's birthday was August 1. I didn't want the chance of them having the same birthday, so I agreed to an induction on July 28. I've posted my labor thoughs and issues here  in case you want to read those. Around 6:30-- right before shift change, Linc decided to make his appearance. I slept through most of the labor (highly drugged) and after 2 pushes, out came this tiny hairy guy. The first thing out of my mouth was "How big is he?" After gaining around 30 lbs all of us mommas pride ourselves in producing a big baby!
 
   They said, "Six pounds, twelve ounces."
 
   My response was, "That's all?!?!?!"

About 1 hour old

     I could smack myself still to this day for those being the first words out of my mouth about my new baby boy. Really??? As if he wasn't good enough right from the start. I have repented over and over again for those harsh words about my new baby.

   I'm weird, I don't like to hold my babies until they are clean from all the blood and guts. So once he was clean, they handed him over. Oh my heavens. THE most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He had this precious little tiny man face and head full of dark maroon hair. Us mommas also pride ourselves in having hairy babies! Michael and I could tell in those first few hours of his life, that our little Linc was different from his brother and so very special

1 Day Old. How much do you love that hair and those tiny hands?

   I've shared in this post about my struggles with PPD after having a second baby. I've also shared that it was Linc who really began to break that idol I have called control. From feeding to sleeping to everything in between, Lincoln was, well, he was difficult. He didn't want to be held, he didn't want to sleep more than 2 hours, he didn't want to nurse long, he didn't want to do anything that all the perfect babies should do. Finally, around six weeks, I quit trying to mold him the way I molded his older brother and I started tuning in to him and noticing his cues as a baby, not just making him do what I thought he should. I finally started to peel off my clenched on layers of control and figuring it all out and giving it to God. I stated Phillipians at the beginning of this post. We are to obey, even when we feel a lack of His presence.  We are to do everything without grumbling and complaining. Even if that means getting up every 1.5 hours at night and holding a crying baby during the colicky witching hour for days upon days.  When we want to hang our head and give up, that is when He really is carrying us the most. I saw this quote one time that said "Even when we are face down on our knees, we can look up and there is the face of Jesus". So true. He was working in me. Preparing me and softening me.

Those lips!

this is still THE blankie

    It was almost daily with Lincoln, the Lord revealed just a little more of himself to me by peeling back another layer of my hard exterior. Michael and I are big fans of the early writings of Martin Luther. He is hilarious if you are into that old English sort of thing. He writes about how the purpose of our children is to sanctify us (i.e. grow us closer to God). God gives us these children to test us and teach us lessons. And my sweet lil firecracker has never stopped doing just that. I wrote a post about him just the other day.  He continues to challenge us daily. He is almost too smart for his own good.

1st brother photo

1st Birthday. His big cake had a Paul Frank monkey with red hair!

     But we adore him. He is so stinking funny! He has this crazy imagination. He is so smart! Yes, all parents say this about their kids, I know. But Linc was one of those kids who was talking in full sentences by his 1st birthday and knew all his colors, animals, and body parts by 18 mos. Poor Knox is 17 mos and still has no clue where his nose is. Lincoln is that true 'spirited' child in every sense of the word.  He is always on fire! And not in the hyperactive sense of the word, he is just always busy in his head.

3 months

   His teachers and peers either love him to death or really dislike him. There isn't really an in between. If you love him, it's because you get his quirks and individuality. It's because you get that he walks to his own beat. It's because you too understand that God is totally in control and so he makes us all in his image. As far as affection goes, Linc is more like a cat. You really have to work for it.  Just like how we had to work so hard to conceive him and how I had to work so hard to figure him out as a baby. The other two are pretty free with their love and hugs. Not Linc, he makes you work for it. Oh, but when he gives is and deems you worthy of his affection, how sweet it is. A hug and "I Wuv You" from Linc would make a statue crumble. Almost daily he looks up at me and softly says "I wuv you mommy. You are the prettiest princess". Tear!!!!

First and only Caney boy so far to go to ER with head wound and blood gushing!

    I am just madly in love with this little gingersnap of my own. Happy 4th Birthday to my awesome Lincoln!!!

3rd birthday

   It was Linc that God gave me in His own time to teach me that nothing is about me, it is all about Him. He gives us everything in his own timely manner.

Turtle Power

4th Birthday Pancakes

Sibling Rivalry HELP?!?!?!?!

     So I've pretty silent on the blog for a couple weeks. Nothing crazy is going on right now. Just summer, boys, curing boredom.... you know, the norm. But there is something going on in our family and in our hearts that has been hurting and straining the family almost for 2 years now.  In my obedience and desire to be transparent with all that is going on with us, I wanted to share this burden in our hearts.
   We have a major issue of sibling rivalry in our home.  Lincoln despises Knox. It started pretty much as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Knox. I'm not talking sibling rivalry like they will play together then fuss then hug it out, like most. I mean that Lincoln cannot stand to look at, hear, or even be in the same room as Knox.

Lincoln- Spring 2013

    We started talking about having a baby to the kids as soon as we found out we were pregnant with Knox, now 2 years ago. Mikey, age 5 then, was over the moon excited to be a big brother again. Lincoln, age 2 then, wanted no part of any discussion about the baby. Everyone around him would ask, "Are you getting a baby brother?" He would reply, "NO baby. No baby!" We all kind of laughed it off and just hoped he would get better closer to Knox's arrival.
    Then once sweet Knox arrived, even right in the hospital, Lincoln wanted nothing to do with him. You can see in this photo below that Lincoln would not even stand close enough in the hospital to take a picture. That redhead in the far left corner is him looking away from the baby.

   Knox is now 17 months and Lincoln is almost 4. And as these 17 months have quickly passed, Lincoln's hostility towards Knox continues to grow.  He can't stand for Knox to be in the same room as him. He gets angry if he has to sit within view of Knox at dinner.  At least three times a day Lincoln is physically violent with Knox- either hitting, pushing, shoving, etc. Knox wants so badly to play with him.  So he continues to try and Lincoln continues to resist. Because Michael went to Kinder this year, there were many times when Lincoln and Knox were both home with me all day.  It made for such a difficult environment at home. Lincoln tells everyone that Knox is not his brother and he doesn't want him in the family. Anytime we are all trying to get ready to go somewhere, we have to keep them separated to avoid problems.  Just this morning, for example, we were all trying to get ready for church when Knox wanted to play with Lincoln and Lincoln just kept being mean and pushing him away. To avoid drama, my husband took the big boys and went to Starbucks so I could get ready in peace. This is not how we want to deal with things. We don't think we should have to separate. It's our desire that all our boys would love each other with the binding love of Christ.  In 17 months, there has never been one time when Lincoln actually acknowledged Knox as his brother or showed any kindness to him without being told to and this breaks Michael and I daily. 

  

    Yes, I know all siblings fight. But this is not your normal sibling argument. You can see the deep hatred and animosity in Lincoln towards Knox. You can feel the tension when they are in the same place. This is not normal stuff. There is for sure a spirit of oppression on my precious boy's heart. 

Seriously??? How could you hate this face??

    This. is. heartbreaking. At this point, we feel like we have tried everything. Over the last few months we've buckled down on our discipline and follow a pretty strict first time obedience plan as described in books like Shepherding a Child's Heart and Growing Kids God's Way. And poor Linc gets disciplined so much. We have tried talking to him. We are going after his heart. We have tried giving him frequent one on one time with both me and Michael as well as Michael, Jr in effort to help him feel important and loved by all of us. We have prayed and prayed. We have prayed for chains of anger in Lincoln to be loosed. We have prayed that the Spirit would move in him and help him to love his brother.  We have prayed that the hardness and anger in his heart would be softened. We have repented of our own generational iniquities with our siblings. Michael has a rocky, up and down relationship with his younger brother. I have not been on speaking terms with mine for almost 4 years. So I feel Knox's pain and discontent of trying so hard to reach out only to be pushed away. 

  So bloggie family-- this is us, putting up our hands. We have no idea what to do. We continue to give this to God but we would love to hear guidance, suggestions, and stuff that worked in your families??? If nothing else, just you saying you will agree with us in prayer for our precious boys.  Help!!! 

Knox is strategically placed where Lincoln can't see him. 

Leave us some advice, comments, etc in the comments below!

Book Review: The Organized Heart by Staci Eastin

I seriously have read more books over the past six months than I have in my entire adult post-college life. I'm totally not toot-tooting my horn, just something in my spirit has been yearning for truth and growth. Also, the beauty of being in a weekly Bible Study or something like it, is that it keeps you accountable to reading it so that you don't end up being the girl who didn't do her homework. I thank my AP English teacher for instilling that in me.

I recently read Staci Eastin's The Organized Heart. It's put out my a publishing company called Cruciform Press. I did a little googling and found out that Cruciform Press releases one book every month that is concise, yet so very gospel and Cross centered. So many books out there are 250+ pages. Ain't nobody got time for that! And most of those pages are fluff that only mention God once every other page. Not these books by Cruciform Press. They are straightforward and to the point about Christ.

Organized Heart: A Woman's Guide to Conquering Chaos. Just the title sends the listmaker in me into a tizzy! What is it about women and organization? If we have it, we are stellar at it and even offer it out to people. Or if you are like me and don't have it, you read and Pin and re-Pin everything you can about it. I keep thinking that every time I pin one of these "Organize Your Life in 31 Days" articles that something magic is going to occur and I will all of a sudden be organized and carefree. Wrong. I just keep trying and doing and going nowhere. I have planners and lists and schedule templates galore, but still at the end of the day I feel like my day didn't run as smoothly as I would have liked, or I spent too much time on one thing and too little on another. Know the feeling?

If you've been reading me for awhile, you know that we recently switched churches. We went from a large mega-church to a tiny 50 member church plant. In the short two months that we've been attending, we have already met some awesome folks. One of them gave me this book. She said her husband gave it to her for Mother's Day and it was so good that she ordered a bunch and just started handing them out to ladies at church. After reading it, I know why.

She gave it to me on the Sunday just after school had gotten out and I was about to start summer with my three boys at home. I thought, "Oh just what I need, another magic book on organization." **insert eye roll**The next day was our first swim lesson. I tossed the book into the swim bag thinking I would possibly take a look at it while the kids were swimming. I'm not sure if my intentions were sincere because in His awesome sovereignty, during breaktime from lessons, one of my little darlings spilled an entire red sports drink on the untouched 'organization and conquering chaos' book. Yes, God does have a sense of humor.

Well thanks for that God. Now I have to read it. So once it was dry, three days later, I started reading it. and I couldn't. Put. It. Down. I love a book that exposes my own sin and idolatry. And this one does just that. There are chapters addressing the following:
Perfectionism
Busyness
Possessions
Leisure

Wow!! Ladies--- this is not a checklist, or a daily task list to get things in order in your home. This book goes after the root of your chaos-- your heart. It identifies idols, exposes fears and sin, and brings it all back to Jesus. We create chaos and clutter by trying too hard and over-filling our calendar. We are gluttons for acquiring 'things' and have no way to decipher the difference between spiritual rest and leisure.

My sweet friend could not have given me this book at a better time. With summer and three boys on the horizon, I was feeling a little overwhelemd. But reading this gave me some insight and some persective. It gave me a chance to repent of some things like my desire to please others and my love of having things. If you read my last post, it really helped hone in my desire to serve a friend rather than trying to please.
This is a must-read for all. Even men!
I love feedback! Have you ever read this book? Or any others similar?

--Becca

10 {Unconventional} Marriage Secrets- Day 3

{Unconventional} Secret #8:   Honor Your Temple

         It sounds so simple. Honor your temple. (1 Cor 6:19) But what does it really mean and why?
I've been attempting to write this one actually for awhile because my fear is that I will come across as vain, idolatrous and/or judgmental.

        Take care of yourself. Really, do it.  I recently finished a bible study by Jennifer Rothschild and she talks about taking care of your temple. She lists it as 3 easy steps:

• Eat
• Move
• Rest
• ****get pretty ( I added this one on my own, I'll explain below)

       Eat.  If you've been following me for awhile you know that I eat Paleo. That is NOT what I'm saying you have to do. What I am saying is don't fill your precious temple with garbage. By garbage I mean excessive amounts of over processed foods, lots of corn products, hi amounts of white grains and sugar. When consumed regularly, all of that junk makes you tired and sluggish. When you feel icky, you don't have the energy to a.) focus your heart and thoughts on serving God  and b.) do the next step...

     Move.  Nobody is saying you have to run a marathon. Actually, don't run a marathon. That in no way sounds fun. You don't have to get up at 6am at go to spin class and you don't have to go join a gym. Just go for a walk when you can, fit in some outside play with your kids, ride a bike to carpool lane, etc. Exercise raises your energy levels and is also a stress reliever.  I get up at 5am and go get my workout in because I truly feel like I can tackle the day if I have already done that. My mind is sharper and my patience is greater. I can more readily worship and serve Jesus when I have this task out of the way. This is what works for me, I'm not saying it has to work for you. But find something that does work for you.

     Rest.  So do what I say and not what I do here. Okay? :) Women in general are TERRIBLE at this, me included. I always feel like I need to be doing something. I almost never sit down until 9pm at night and this is not what I recommend. All throughout the Bible we are commanded to take rest and to rest in the Lord. He gives it to us. He tell us to do so.

      Be Pretty.  Okay this is where I may hurt some feelings. Ladies, get out of the sweatpants/ maternity pants, put on a little mascara, blow dry your hair and take a little pride in your appearance. Your husband picked you. He picked you out of a crowd. Honor him by being his prize, his precious jewel that he is proud to come home to. As a busy mom of 3, ya'll know I have don't have excess time to primp and fuss. I only have time to wash my hair once about every 5 days or so. !GASP!  But when I do, I take the time to straighten it so that it looks decent for a few days. And on that, there is a fine line between yoga pants and sweat pants. If you are still carrying around a few extra baby pounds, get yourself some cute yoga pants or some knit waist skirts to transition into.  Remember in Friends when Chandler broke up with Janice and he wore the pj pants for forever? His lack of care in his appearance did something to him mentally. It kept him down. He didn't even have the confidence or energy to leave his apartment until he was able to change out of those dreadful pants.

    So why are these things all important? Your temple was bought for you. It was bought at a price, the life of God's only son. Your body is not your own, it belongs to God and to your spouse. Ladies, be someone who your husband wants to come home to and who shows appreciation for the gift of eternity you don't deserve.

Okay... I definitely have to chime in here. There are several reasons. I am a person that is constantly working to find balance. I don't rest well. My weight has always been a yo yo struggle. I am in no ways an expert or model. But I DO have some opinions. 

Ladies reading this... relay the following to your husband please. 

Fellas, would you want some fat, sweaty, nasty dude rolling over to get sex from you? NOPE. Do you think your wife wants some fat out of shape dude trying to heat her up. Probably not. Look I'm not saying this to be vain. I'm just saying drop the cheeseburger, lift some weight, and be a titan of love for your woman. 50 shades of Gray and Magic Mike are not the hits they are for no reason. Tune into your woman. Be her man. 

Your diet effects you. Your model effects your children. We'll talk more about legacy later. But we all pass on a legacy to our kids as it relates to faith, ethics, money, and food. The legacy passed to me was prescription drug abuse, obesity, heart disease, cancer, and binge eating. I will pass that to my kids if I don't make a conscious decision to change. Did you know that a lack of plants in your diet suppresses serotonin in the brain and produces depression? Did you know that exercise is the #1 treatment for anxiety. Good diet and exercise actually boosts testosterone in men. Bros, we want more T! 

When I roll out of my house looking sharp, the most important thing for me is that my wife is happy. I want my wife to be proud to be with me. 

I can't give advice on rest. I suck at that and could use some help from anyone that has advice. Hey... I'm just being honest. 

Poppin' Happy Pills

Well, how do I start this??

Hi, I'm Becca and I take Lexapro, an anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety medication.
****GASP****

There. I said it.

I'm actually not ashamed of this fact. I have taken it off and on for almost four years now.  I know what is going through your head right now. You are probably saying one or more of the following:

a.  What? Becca? No way. I would never think that about you,  that you have that problem.
b.  Oh, now it makes sense.
c.  I would never take 'medication'.
d. Christians don't need 'medication' because God can heal everything, especially matters of the heart.
e. All of the above.

     Before giving you some background, I have to first say that I am beyond blessed to have been born to not just one, but two parents in the medical field. My mother is a Registered Nurse and my father is a Physician's Assistant (P.A.), and for all my intents and purposes, a doctor. They always did an awesome job at explaining the anatomy, disease, sickness, treatments, etc. Conversation about such topics was common around our dinner table growing up.

Baby #2

Lincoln- 1 day old

   About 6 weeks before Lincoln was born I started to have that common 2nd time mom fear of "How can I love another baby as much as I love the first one?".  Everyone told me that was all normal. But then in the hospital I knew something was different about me, because I started getting nervous about going home.  I wanted to stay in the safe haven of the hospital.  Michael, Jr. had been the textbook perfect baby and I was so nervous about what was to come with this one. Our first day home I remember sitting on the couch with my tiny sleeping baby dreading the nighttime and what would happen with sleep routines, feeding, etc.  After a day or two, I struggled to pick him up to feed him. I had the perfect thing going with my one child and I just wanted him not this new baby who was already so temperamental. I didn't want to have to figure out how to fit another one into my life and into my heart. In all the baby books they tell you the signs to look out for regarding PPD (post partum depression).  I kept doing a mental check.

• Do I want to hurt myself? No.
• Do I want to hurt my baby? No.     Okay, I must be fine. Must just be the baby blues.

       A few weeks went by. Linc still wasn't sleeping more than 2-3 hours at night. Now, I know that is totally normal for a breastfed baby. But Mikey slept 6 hours by a month old and so I was starting to freak out. In my freaking out, I refused to just 'trust the boobies', as I like to say, in regards to breastfeeding. I would pump some and give him formula at night and try to manipulate it all as best as I could. Nothing seemed to work. This child was not following my rules. Finally, around five weeks or so, I couldn't take the stress of it and I decided to quit breastfeeding cold turkey.  I thought all my emotional issues would resolve. I thought surely if he had formula all day long then he would sleep and we would all be back to normal. Right?  Wrong. With quitting BF, I gained a whole other bag of issues. Now I was sleep deprived, emotionally unstable, and also missing out on bonding time that I so desired and knew I needed with my newborn. I went to my six week doctors appt with my OB. I kind of tip toed around the subject of perhaps having some mild PPD. She said "Yes, it sounds like you need some Lexapro. I'm going to give you a script just in case." I walked out with the script and thought, "I will be better in a few days. I just need some sleep."
 
     After my doctors appointment I went to Babies R Us to purchase some diapers. Anyone who has been in there knows that first section when you walk in is the breastfeeding section. All the pumps and bottles and pads were practically screaming off the shelves at me.  It had been about 3 days since I last BF Lincoln and there right in the middle of BRU, I started having what could only be described as a breakdown. I physically felt like I was Alice in Wonderland as she is falling into the rabbit hole. I was just sinking and sinking and all the breast pumps were talking flowers telling me how awful I was. I walked out without buying anything.

Lincoln- 6 weeks old

 
     I called my dad and told him that Dr. B, my OB, had suggested I take Lexapro because it seemed that I was having some PPD. He agreed! He explained that anytime the body goes through any major changes- childbirth, a move, a marriage, a divorce, a major illness, etc. it does a number on your whole chemical makeup. He explained the difference between serotonin and epinephrine.  He explained that childbirth itself can lower your serotonin then you add sleep loss to that, it just makes it even worse.  My dad has an amazing gift of explaining medical knowledge in lay terms.  Even though my dad thought it was as good idea, I was still so hesitant. I still had so much stigma in my brain attached to taking ant-depressants. I kept thinking about that sad little egg on the Zoloft commercial that has social anxiety disorder and there was no way Becca was going to be a sad little egg.
 
    The very next day, sleep deprived I took Michael to preschool. At our preschool, you have to get out of the car and walk your child in. I carried six week old Lincoln in the car seat in to take Mikey to school. I sat down the car seat as I did every other day and signed Michael in. Then I went to the car and left. About a mile down the road

I LEFT MY BABY AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

     My heart was pumping faster than it ever had before. I made an illegal turn and drove 70 in a 40 getting back to school as fast as I could. I got back to the parking lot and jumped out of the car, engine still running, door standing wide open. Sprinting down the sidewalk and back to the classroom I tried to not make eye contact with anyone. I could not tell anyone what I had done. I got to the front of the classroom and there he was, sleeping in the carrier like I left him, clueless to what had just taken place. Scooping him up quickly, I dashed back to the car, again not making eye contact, praying nobody would notice. I got my precious bundle all strapped in, safe and sound, and I just lost it. Right there in the the preschool parking lot. I fell to pieces. That was it. That was my rock bottom. This was God finally shouting at me--- "You need help!!!"  I had left my baby at school! Not a stroller, not a wallet, not a set of keys. My baby. Where was my head???? You see, when your chemistry is off and your serotonin levels are low, you become forgetful. This is also very common in pregnancy and lots of us ladies causally refer to it as "pregnancy brain." Pregnancy brain is for real ladies and gentlemen! From the school, I went straight to Target to fill my script for Lexapro.
 
    I got home with my bottle of pills, started breastfeeding my baby again, and never looked back. I kid you not, within 5 days I was already beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't feel as deep down in that tunnel. Every day after that I would wake up feeling better and think "Wow, I didn't realize how bad I felt. There is no way I can top the way I'm feeling." But then the next day, I would wake up and feel even better than the day before. Around 6 weeks is when the medication finally levels out and things plateau. I continued to take Lexapro for almost a year. Research shows that taking PPD meds for a full year decreases the recurrence of having to take it again.  Once I finally quit nursing and got back on my normal birth control pills, my hormones leveled out and I could tell that I didn't need the meds anymore.  I went about 18 months drug free!

Baby #3   

    ...And I probably would've stayed that way had I not gotten pregnant with Knox. Of course being preggo I was off my birth control again. I was fine at first; elated to be given a third baby.  This was the baby we had prayed and told God, "If you see fit for us to grow our family, then we are happy to do it again." Around the end of my first trimester, I was starting to get all out of emotional sorts again. But this time, it was not this low sinking tunnel feeling, it was more of an anxious, thermometer rising type feeling. I would snap at my husband out of nowhere. Oh and the kids; the precious kids. They felt the brunt of it more than anyone. They would misbehave or talk back and rather than disciplining them calmly, I would yell and spank more frequently. Rather than move on from a disagreement, I would let it fester. I took everything personally, like they were out to attack me. When I would get upset with them, it was literally like I could feel my body filling up with this hot liquid, bubbling and rising exponentially to the top, where it would then explode and destroy everyone around me. Physically, my heart would race and my blood pressure would go up. Once I 'came down' I had this awful headache. This was happening almost daily. So at my 10 week appointment, I left with a new script for Lexapro in my hands. This time, I did not hesitate to fill it right away.

   Around the 7 month mark or so, sleep began to not be my friend. So Dr. B suggested I try Ambien (a sleeping aid). It worked like magic! And initially I didn't need that much! Only 1/2 a small dose! But then guilt started to kick in. I was now taking an anti/depressant anti/anxiety medication PLUS a sleeping pill, BOTH while pregnant. I for sure could not be THAT girl. So, without talking to anyone about it but myself, I took myself off of the Lexapro. In my crazy preggo reasoning, I told myself that if I slept well at night, my emotions would be fine and I wouldn't need the Lexapro. I had gone off of it before so surely I could do it again? Right?  God gave me this baby so surely He knew I was able to handle being pregnant with it. Right? This happened to be around Christmas time. {Christmas= stress} I also happened to in the middle of a ton of work being done to my kitchen. {home repairs= stress} I stopped the Lexapro and increased the Ambien. It helped at first. I was sleeping so great! But then, the Ambien stopped working as well and my body seemed to need more of it to fall asleep and stay asleep. By New Years, I was up to about 2 full size man doses of Ambien and still only sleeping about 2 hours a night, on the couch. When I would lay down at night to sleep I would start fidgeting and my chest would feel heavy. I couldn't catch my breath.  It was impossible to sleep and barely possibly to breathe. Luckily, thank the Lord, I was due for an OB visit and when I arrived there, my BP was high and I was feeling queasy and weak. I was starting to see black spots. Dr. B came in and we talked about my sleep. She asked if I was still taking my Lexapro. Reluctantly, I told her the truth and my crazy preggo reasoning.  She stepped up and Momma talked me a little bit and instructed me to go home, start back on my Lexapro. She wrote the following on her script pad for me:

• Take a Tylenol PM and an Ambien, Take a hot bath, then an hour later take another Tylenol PM and an Ambien. 

"Do this for 3 nights." she said. "Then after that just take 1 Ambien every night if you need it."
What????

7 mos preggo- TIRED!!

   
    Well, I followed Dr's orders. I finally slept decent that night. Not amazing, but better. The next night even better. Finally by that 3rd night, I was sleeping great. I was a little foggy during the day until that 4th day, but I finally was starting to come back out of the tunnel again.
I stayed on the Ambien until Knox was about 4-5 days old.
 
    Knox is now 13 months and I am still taking my Lexapro. I am still nursing. Did you know that nursing lowers your estrogen levels. Estrogen is what makes us ladies feel and act like ladies. I am planning to stay on my Lexapro until I feel that I no longer need it. That may be when I am done nursing, it may not. It may be forever. Who knows?
 
   The point is, I just really felt this urgency in my heart to post this. I feel like so many mommas out there struggle with their hearts and emotions and don't realize how common it is. They don't realize the physical feelings and detriments of depression and anxiety.  When I used to be elbow deep in fabric and my sewing business for DDD, people would always ask, "How do you do it all?" My response was always, "Well... I'm just a tad crazy but I take pills for that, so it's alllll good." That's true. Once I embraced my issues and did no feel shame in them, I was able to recover and function normally.

The Tricky Part

Do I believe the Lord is my Healer, Jehovah Rapha? Yes! I do. I believe that he heals the broken hearts and binds up wounds (Psalm 147:3) and heals all disease (Psalm 103:3). I am the Lord who heals you! --Exodus 15:26

Do we all have special gifts and talents that the Lord has positioned in us? Yes!

Do I also believe that God chooses people, like the apostle Luke, to be Physicians or doctors, which in the old Testament, meant 'healer'? 

 Does the Lord provide knowledge and common grace to doctors, psychologists, therapists, etc? You bet.

If your child had diabetes, would you refuse them insulin because of the 'stigma' that went with it? Would you just hold out for healing from God? I have a precious friend, whose angel of a child has a chromosomal difference that causes his development in certain skills to be delayed. Should she fore go all therapy and treatment and 'hold out for a miracle.' Or does she believe that God has chosen people to work for Him and through Him?

Do we get colds, flu, depression, disease, and even cancer because we are awful, bad people? No,  God has woven it all in His plan and through all sickness- mind or body-- wants us to draw into him and praise him throughout it. I believe I have a fullness and a healing in Him because I have submitted my will to the authority and knowledge of a doctor. I believe He has me in His best interest and because of that, He has provided a way through my OB and modern medicine to correct and chemical in balance in my body.

We are all sinners and because of His healing and saving grace, he has allowed Doctors, nurses, therapists, etc to be instruments of his power.

Dear God, I pray for women and mommies out there. I pray for broken, sad hearts who need to be healed by you, the ultimate healer. God there is no condemnation in you and by you. You are the Almighty Healer, Jehovah Rapha. Only you can heal our full hearts. Thank you God for choosing health professionals. Thank you that you would entrust them with your work and duties God. I pray that anyone out there who needs some emotional healing would seek you first, then seek medical help by one of your servants. God, thank you that you showed me rock bottom. I am thankful that you took me there, showed me the ugliness that exists and because of that, my desire is to never return there again. I want to serve you Lord. Thank you for healing my heart and thank you for giving me amazing parents and doctors who believe in my well-being. 
Amen---

HE Will Fight For You- A Birth Story

Trust in the Lord,

And he will fight for you.

Exodus 14:14

Today we celebrated sweet Knox Driscoll's first birthday.

I have never been that normal mom that cries when I drop off my boys at a 5 hour Mother's Day Out or worries excessively when they are with a babysitter. In fact, when my oldest started Pre-K, I couldn't get him gone soon enough. But for some reason, with Knox's first birthday nearing, I am starting to be one of those sappy mom's I used to roll my eyes at in the pick up line. Maybe it's because I know he is my last? Maybe it's because through him, the Lord has taught me how truly sweet motherhood can be.

Before his conception, I had no idea we would even have another baby.  I have said before that I DESPISE being pregnant. There is nothing about it that I enjoy, well, except for eating more treats and wearing elastic waist pants all the time. Other than that, pregnancy does a whirlwind on my emotions. We have had some extreme marital problems during pregnancy. One day, I will be ready to expose those layers. From the outside, my doctor says I have normal boring pregnancies, but I hate how carrying another life brings me down. I hate getting fat. I hate not being able to be as active as I normally I am. I have varicose veins, from the waist down.  There is no comfort except sleeping. Knowing my body goes though all of that, I thought surely, since I am trusting the Lord fully this time, He will not make me go through all of these ailments. Surely, if I give it over to him, he will heal me of all these crazy things and allow me to have a normal pregnancy. Now I know it could've been worse. I could have that blood disease where I have to get a shot every day. Or I could've been on bed rest. Or I could've lost a baby. I praise the Lord every single day that I have never had to know that heartache of losing a baby. But for someone who loves exercise as much as I do and who lives such a full and active life, pregnancy is this borderline hell for me. So this last time, I prayed and prayed and tossed it all on the Lord, just like I am supposed to. And guess what, it was worse than the fist two. Yes. Worse.

So fast forward to closer to my due date. With the first 2 boys, I had vaginal births. I went in for scheduled inductions 3-5 days before my due date. My plan was to get every drug available and push a baby out feeling no pain.  I apparently have an odd spacing in my spine, because with older boy's labors, they had to redo my epidural 3 times, completely in and completely out. NOT FUN! A test dose would send my heart rate up to 200 and I would start to black out.  All that, all the extra meds made me nauseous so they gave me Finnergin, and I was zonked out and slept through all my labor. In fact, with my first, I fell asleep when I was at 5cm and the nurse woke me up to push and I asked for "10 more minutes" like she was my alarm clock. I was totally out of it.

With Knox being my last baby, I knew early on in my pregnancy that I wanted a different labor experience once the time came. I really had started to grow some trust in the Lord. I was really embracing what it meant to be a woman, a daughter of the King. The thought of a natural labor was starting to intrigue me. With the previous labor experiences and my not fun epidurals, I knew I desired something different. I knew the Lord had a different plan this time around. About 8 weeks in,  I remember tossing the idea out to my husband. "What if we do a natural labor this time?" I asked him.
He immediately shot me down. "No, absolutely not. There is no need for  you to feel pain if you don't have to." Every couple of weeks I would bring up the subject with Michael again. And every time, he would not discuss it. I was feeling pretty discouraged. How could he not see what the Lord had intended for me? Did he not realize the Lord made women's bodies to push out a baby?

A friend suggested the book Supernatural Childbirth. Now, I'm not going to lie, I thought the majority of it was hokey and most of the theology was completely off from how I believe. But it did give me some insight to how women have been having babies since the beginning of time. God created us and our bodies and the magical process of childbirth. It gave me a desire to put my trust in the Lord.
So I started praying, daily. Not necessarily for my birth or for my baby, but for my husband. I prayed that the Lord would soften his heart and open his eyes to the possibility of allowing God to carry me through the labor with no meds. I never saw natural childbirth as a badge of honor to earn, but more of a cross to carry. I wanted to experience everything He had created women to experience. We were only about 2 weeks away from my due date. I was scared that Michael would not jump on board and without his encouragement and support I knew there was no way I could do it.  I had told my OB that I was thinking about going natural and she said she would help me if that was my decision. But Michael still had not come around. Lucky for me, he loves watching documentaries on Netflix. So we turned on The Business of Being Born, a documentary on home birth by Ricki Lake.  I kid you not, ten minutes into the movie, and he was convinced! He had no idea the effects of all the drugs on the unborn babies. He had no idea the cycle that is created upon induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc and how all that can ultimately lead to Csection.  He saw all these women calm and relaxed with no tubes and big needles. He saw calm content babies being born. He said, "THAT is the way God intended us to have babies. We are going to have our baby like that. Is it too late to get a midwife?"

Oh Praise the Lord!!!! This was the desire of my heart. This was what I had been praying for. I knew with his support I could fully turn everything over to the Lord. No, we didn't get a midwife. We have an amazing OB, so amazing, in fact that we named Knox after her but we prayed that night over the baby and we prayed together about my upcoming delivery. We prayed that the Lord would work through our OB and we would trust her judgement.

It was my due date. February 16, 2012.  I went to a doctor's appointment. She did a sono, shot a glance over at the nurse,  then suggested we induce labor the next day. This was not part of my plan. I was supposed to go into labor naturally. I called my husband and he told me he thought we needed to trust the doctor, Dr. B. I reluctantly agreed with him. So I went home and ate cupcakes and bacon. I went to the acupuncturist for the 3rd time. I prayed and meditated constantly begging the Lord to send me into labor naturally. I got a pre-natal massage. I sat on the bouncy ball. I ate Greek food and played Wii. God, please please let this baby come naturally. 

We were supposed to be at the hospital for induction at 7am. At 5:30 they called me and said they were full and that I couldn't come in yet. Really???? This is supposed to be my labor day and you are cutting me off? We waited around the house. I ate an entire bag of Ghiradelli raspberry squares while sitting on my exercise ball and reading my Bible, searching for any Words I could find on trust. Finally, the hospital called around 11am and said I could come in at 1pm. It was here. I was going to have to be induced. I was totally against it. I begged and pleaded with the Lord, PLEASE let me go into labor now! Somehow I stumbled on Exodus 14:14 "Trust in the Lord and He will fight for you." I got what I like to call a 'Holy Spirit rib nudge'. There it was. That verse seemed to jump out and have little flashing lights around it. Maybe it was more of a 'Holy Spirit gut punch'. That was to be my mantra, if you will, for this process. I told Michael. He agreed and said, "Oh yeah. It's like *my Jesus with his tattoo and sword.'
*Side note- if you've ever seen the terrible Will Ferrell movie Talladega Nights, remember the dinner scene when they are praying over the meal and they all have a different version of Jesus? One talks about how he likes to think of Jesus laying there watching baby Einstein videos and the other likes to think of Jesus in swaddling golden diapers. Well, Michael and I each have our own 'Jesus'. His is the Jesus of Revelations, with a tattoo on his thigh and a big sword.

¹⁵ From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.¹⁶ On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Rev 19:15-17

That day, I put my full most trust in that Jesus! I agreed and believed that I would surrender to Him and allow to Him to work in the nurses and doctors to give me the desires of my heart. We got to the hospital and I let them hook me up to the IVs to start pitocin, the medicine which induces labor contractions. I bounced on my ball, sat in the chair, laid in the bed. Four hours in and not much progression. I came to the hospital at 3cm and was sitting at about 4cm.  No pain. I could see a little action on the monitor, but nothing exciting. Not what I was hoping to hear. Around 7pm the nurses switched shifts and my doctor came to see me. She said "I think if you want to make this happen, I need to break your water." NO NO No! This was not what I wanted. I had already allowed them to hook me up to pitocin. I was not about to let them intervene any more. Part of it was fear. I knew that if I let her break my water, I was in it. There was no turning back. I was going to have this baby. I looked at Michael thinking for sure that he would feel the same way as me. We prayed and he said "Babe, we agreed to let God work through the doctors and nurses. Do you trust God? Do you trust me? Do you trust Dr B? I think we need to let her break your water and get this thing moving." I agreed. 

See my amusement?

Dr. B came in around 7:30 and broke my water. Not fun at all, but I immediately started saying "Trust in the Lord and he will fight for you" in my head and I made it through that. Once the water was broken, I immediately start to feel some relief from the pressure of the veins that had been ailing me. And I got this instant high, this adrenaline rush of being so free in the Lord. I mentioned before how amazing Dr. B is. After she broke the water, she sat at my bedside. She and Michael talked and I immediately started feeling contractions. I let them talk and each contraction came a little quicker and a little stronger than before. There was this sign in the room. I honestly can't remember what it said, but every time a contraction would come on, I would look over at that sign, and go to another place and "Trust in the Lord, he will fight for you." After an hour or so, the real pain started. Transitional labor, I believe is the correct term. I started pacing. I went to the bathroom. I actually wanted to stay in there all alone, well, me and my tattooed Jesus anyway. A contraction would come and I would start to imagine this wilderness of weeds and thorns and Jesus was trenching through it swiping out everything with his sword until he got to a clear meadow. Phew, rest. 1 minute later, there would be the woods again. Jesus was carrying me on his back and slaying dragons, beasts, and cutting down trees with that sword. Together, we made it through to a clearing. This went on for about 2 hours. 1 minute on 1 minute off. 

The Lord carrying me the entire time. Yes, it hurt. Yes, there was pain. I just focused on the Lord and allowed him to suffer it for me. It got time to push. I could do this. Michael was looking at me and being so encouraging and I just remember telling him to shut up and let me do my thing! I started pushing and started to chicken out. It was way too late for an epi and I was not having a Csection, so I guess I had to do it. I gave a good push and I kid you not, I thought someone was ripping me in half.  I screamed and screamed and yelled, squeezing all life out of Michael's hand. I looked at my little audience of nurses and screamed "GET IT OUT OF ME". Finally, out came this enormous baby, and he peed all over us! 

This sounds awful, and judge if you must, but I am not one to hold my baby straight from the womb. I like them to clean them up first. So they took him over to the scales. 8lbs 9oz. Wow!!! Dr. B looked at me and said "See, that is why I wanted to induce you today." She knew he was bigger than my others, she knew I desired to have a natural birth. She knew that if she told me he was big, I might chicken out and not go with my plan.

They cleaned him and wrapped him up and brought me my precious Knox Driscoll. He was beautiful and perfect. I snuggled that little baby, immediately attached him to the breast,  and thanked the Lord for carrying me. I thanked the Lord for fighting for me. It was with Knox that I really began to revel in the sweetness that the Lord intended motherhood to be. 

A year later, now on his 1st birthday, I am still growing and learning what the Lord has for me. I continue to use that verse in all difficult and painful situations. 

The beauty of all this is that the Lord wants to carry it all for us.  His desire is that we draw into Him, that we learn to lean on him in all situations, so that he can show us just how big He is. No matter how big or how small, God can and wants to carry you though it. What does your Jesus look like and will you let Him take over?

...And more poo

We have all become like one who is unclean,

    and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.We all fade like a leaf,    and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.

Isaiah 64:6

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,²⁴ and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, ²⁵ whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 

Romans 3:23-24

You might think I am nuts, gross, or whatever for writing about poo. But let's face it, mom's deal with it. It's better to laugh about it and put it all out there, right? I am here to be transparent and deliver the words the Lord gives me.
If you read last week's post about poo, you will recall how I ultimately compared our sin to 'poo'.
With 3 boys, poo seems to be a common visual, conversational topic, theme, etc. Someone is either doing it or talking about it 90% of my day. True story. In fact, Lincoln has his own special phrase-- "Poopy Socks" that he has made up and uses it to name all his favorite stuffed animals.
This week's poo story involves the baby. Somehow these things also always happen when Hubby is not here. It was bath night for the baby. He bathes in my tub. Knox was situated fine and playing happily in the tub. I have a chair in my bathroom where I sit and let Knox play and splash for awhile. It sits about 2 feet away from the tub. Due to the angle and placement of the chair, I can only see him from the waist up peeking out over the tub, I can't see directly in the bottom of the tub.  He was just splashing and playing so happy. No cares at all! Mikey adores his baby brother and usually comes in to help while I am bathing him. He walks right over to the tub to hand Knox a toy and immediately with disgust he says"Um, mom. Knox pooped in the tub."
My first thought was "Oh I got this. I will get the shovel and scoop out the pile" (like in last week's post). So I stand up to asses the situation. Nope, there is not a little pile to scoop out. He is literally swimming and splashing in a cesspool! It's like Slumdog Millionaire up in here!
Quick! I pulled him out of the tub and toweled him off  leaving him to play naked in the bathroom. Mikey watched him while I ran for my trusty garden trowel and a plastic grocery bag. I start scooping, hoping to fish it all out. The scooping makes it worse! Every piece I attempt to scoop turns into more pieces. I've got a naked cold baby on a tile floor and I am scooping poop out of the tub. This was not the result I was hoping for. The only thing I can think of left to do is just open the drain and wash it all away. The drain will carry it away much easier than I could fish it all out. Because it had sat there in the water, it had spread. And everytime I tried to get rid of it, it spread even more. The only thing I could do was to give in, open up the drain, and start over.
So I let it all run down the drain. I washed the tub with Scrubbing Bubbles. Then I started over. Knox got a new, clean, warm bath and he was good as new. No residue or trace of poo to be seen.
You know where I'm going with this right??
Imagine Knox's poo is our sin. He can't help it. He's a baby. It is his human nature to poo. All of us do it, not just babies. He pooed in the water. After sitting in the water, that poo spread. Sin spreads when it's not handed over to the Lord immediately. I kept trying to clean it out and scoop it up, ultimately making it worse. I can't clean up my sin or anyone else's. When I do that, it just makes it spread and makes it worse. The only person that can clean up that sin is God. So when we finally quit trying to clean up our messes and give in and pull up the drain, we allow him to absorb all that sin. He carries it away like the poo in that drain. He takes it far away, never to return, if we allow him to. Then, we can start with a brand new fresh and clean bath. Does that mean we will never poo or sin again? Absolutely not! Hopefully it just means that we will maybe not do it in the bath next time, or when we do, rather than trying to handle it on our own, we will immediately give in turn it to God. He can carry it away!

What we deserve is to sit there in our sin, Slumdog style, and let it fester. We are nothing without Jesus. But in the same way I would never dream of letting my precious baby swim around in that mess, Jesus loves us that much that he wants to carry away that sin right away, if we will give it to Him.

How amazing is it that our God in Heaven, sent his Son to clean up all our poo so that we can one day live with Him? It's humbling to know that we all have poo. You, me, every single one of us.

What kind of poo are you trying to clean up in your life? Is there something messy and out of control? Is there something that you keep trying to clean up or fix, only to be left with making it worse? What can you give to Jesus to carry away?

Gracious Gifts

From the fullness of His grace, we have all received one blessing after another. 

John 1:16

Knox Driscoll- 9 mos
Michael Louis, Jr. -6
Lincoln Anderson-3

With three boys, I always say that God used the gift of life of each one of my boys to teach me something amazing about myself and most importantly, to draw into Him. They are each so special and unique. From their conception to their current stage in life, each one is a reminder of a lesson in grace and favor the Lord has taught me.

Path to Destiny

With Michael, who is now 6, we were not anticipating a baby so soon. In fact, we wanted to wait 5 years after being married to have kids, but instead, found out after 6 months that we were expecting! Frightenened, clueless, and selfish,  daily during my pregnancy I would cry out to God. "Why? Why so soon? I am not ready for this." I never even had that pregnant glowy feeling. I felt more like it was a task I had been dished and I just had to figure out the best way to do it. Even during the birth process and those first few hours of his life, I had no idea what to think or feel. I'm a 'doer'. A 'Martha', if you will. I excel at figuring things out. And that's what I did. I had no idea how to even hold a baby, much less breastfeed or change a tiny diaper. I continued to go through the motions. Until that first night in the hospital after his birth. I had sent my husband home to sleep and they brought the baby to me for that 2am feeding.  It was the first time in the almost hours since his birth that I had been all alone with him, my first-born, perfect little bundle from above.  I looked at that face and the tears started pouring out of me. God, thank you for this amazing and perfect gift. How could I ever doubt you and that this was your plan for me???
THIS was my destiny. THIS was the way God had intended for me. God had given me this task and when I thought I could not complete it, he showed me the way, held my hand while I persevered, and shown me the end result was something so beautiful.
Kind of like daily life, right? He deals out some tricky cards, cards that he knows are best for us even though it may not be what we want.  It's because he wants us to hold His hand during the process, ask Him for his help, and cling on until we finally reach our beautiful destiny.

Not My Way

Lincoln, who is the textbook qunitessential, superhero cape wearing three year old, taught me that my 'figuring it out' skillset may not always prove strong. From pre-conception, my little redhead had a 'way' about him. This baby we had to try for. Actual tempurate taking, charting, cycle timing TRY for. Crazy! Since Michael Jr. was a complete surprise, we thought, for sure, I'd be pregnant in no time. Well, finally 8 months after stopping the pill, we let it go and quit trying so hard. We turned it over to Him. Then, a few weeks later, I finally saw that little plus sign I'd been hoping for! Lincoln's pregnancy was not much different than the first, just more tiring, another 'task'. Once he was here, I immediately was smitten with the tiny red headed bundle. He was just a day old and sleeping peacefully in the hospital basinet when my husband looks at him and says, "I can already tell his personality is SOO much different that Michael Jr.'s.
Boy did that prove to be true when we brought him home. Where Michael had been the perfect BabyWise baby to a T, sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, eating every 3 hours in the day like an alarm clock, etc. Lincoln, on the other hand didn't know what he wanted or when he wanted it. He cried, A LOT! He wouldn't sleep more than 2 hours at night for the longest time. No matter what I did, every rule book I tried to follow, he had his way and there was nothing I could do about it. He was this fierce little being with his own ideas from Day 1.
With him, the Lord showed me to let go. That MY way, was not my way. I am not my own. I am His. That I had to surrender and allow him to work in my life. I could not control every variable in my environment. I could not and never would 'figure it all out.' And because of what he did for me on the cross, it's the least I can do to surrender to him and allow him to take the reigns in all areas. Whether that means throwing my hands up at sleep training or potty training.

Revel in His Sweetness

After 2 boys, we were done with having kids. We gave away the baby clothes and all the gear and decided to move on with our lives and be the classic family of 4. When Lincoln was approaching age 2, I started having the yearning for just 1 more. Now, I should mention that pregnancy is grueling for me. I have terrible and I mean MISERABLE varicose vein issues. My emotions and anxety are so out of whack that it rocks my marriage and all my other important relationships.  The whole 9 months is really not fun for anybody in our house. But something in me was wanting to do it just one more time. This sounds silly, but every time I would be around a friend who was breastfeeding, I would start getting all gooey and baby eyed watching them nurse. We went out to dinner for our 6 year anniversary around that time. At dinner, I confessed my desires to my husband. Surprisingly, he felt the same way!!! It just so happened that day was my last 'pill' of the month. So we prayed. Together. We prayed not for another baby, but for Him to fulfill his will in our life. We told him that our hearts were open to another baby if He saw it fit for our family. We agreed that we would not 'try' for a baby yet we would not prevent either.
Six weeks later I was pregnant! He clearly thought we needed just one more.
Another miserable pregnancy came. The emotional roller coaster started immediately and the vein issues came on much earlier. Morning sickness remained until the third trimester. Many times, I questioned why I would put myself though this again. And gently the Lord would remind me, "I sent my son for so that you could receive my blessings and my grace in your life. You can make it though this. I will fight for you."
When sweet Knox finally arrived, it was like nothing I could have imagined. With the Lord fighting for me, I made it though a natural childbirth. He took to breastfeeding with no problems. He snuggled. He was just like a big blob of sweetness that the Lord had gifted to us. It made every pregnancy battle wound worth it. At 11 months now, he is still just the sweetest, gentlest, most laid back baby.
I look at him and I think, "Wow, this is what the Lord intended." His plan is so sweet indeed. The Lord, in his omnipotence, is so beautiful and sweet, just like a clean, newborn baby all snuggled up in a blankie.
Sometimes we forget to just sit back and appreciate the beauty and the sweetness of what he Has so graciously given us.


Photography by Angie Kosa Photography.