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My beloved speaks and says to me: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away,
Song of Solomon 2:10
My beloved is mine, and I am his; he grazes among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 2:16
As I have said before, the whole purpose of the written portions of this blog are to glorify God. In January he commanded me to start speaking out and being bold and obeying His direction. While it's all fun and games to talk about 'poop' and my precious boys, before I'm a mom, I'm a wife. In the almost 8 years we've been married, Michael and I feel like we have been through more heartache and struggles than many couples who've been married 2 or 3 times as long. We have dishonored each other in a multitude of areas. I've felt for awhile, that the Lord wanted to use me to speak on marriage and talk about some of the things we've dealt with to serve as an example to others, but never felt like I had the place or opportunity to share. So sharing begins now. My hearts desire is to, little by little, expose my sin. Just like the poop, we all have it. Some have more, some have less, but we all have it.
It was a hot, 110+ degree Friday in August here in North Texas. Our beloved babysitter was headed back to college the next week and this was our last opportunity for a date night until she returned for the holidays. New $16.99 maxi dress from TjMaxx- check. Great summer tan from being with the boys at the pool- check. Clean hair & shaved legs, check check. We got the kids in bed and headed out to dinner. I was so giddy I couldn't stop being chatty. We had only had 2-3 dates since the baby arrived 6 months before and I was just thrilled to be alone with my man. In the car I talked and talked. Waiting on a glass on wine at the restaurant bar, I chatted and babbled. If you know my husband, it's not like him to let me do so much talking. He's a rare breed and he normally has plenty to say. By the time our meals arrived, I had run out of things to say and was starting to tell stories about the kids. In my mind I kept thinking...... "What is wrong with him?? or What is wrong with me?
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Do I look terrible? Is he not as excited about this as I am?"
"Is this not a big deal?"
"Is he still attracted me?"
These thoughts kept snowballing. I finally asked him, "Are you okay? Is something wrong? Did I do anything?"
He replied, "No, I'm fine. Just enjoying being out with you."
Do I believe that?????? NO!!! My husband, who always talks, always has an opinion, always has a joke to crack, had nothing. He had probably said 10 words since we left the house over an hour ago. Clearly, I was doing something wrong, right???? This was not normal. He said everything is fine, but he must be doing the woman version of fine because he is not at all acting fine.
After dinner, we headed over to a live music venue. Luckily it was loud in there and so I didn't have to try and come up with anything else interesting to talk about. We had a drink then headed home.I was silent the whole drive. As was he. By that point I was so frustrated. I had built up this awesome and romantic date night in my head full of flirtatious banter and giggles. The babysitter left and we crashed. I went to sleep feeling like I had done something wrong. "Out of all nights, the one night we have out alone and he can't even have any conversation with me?"
By the next morning I tried to chalk it up as a loss and move on. That day he seemed to annoy me every so slightly in just random things he would do.
A day or so later, he tried to come on to me and do what husbands and wives do ("laundry" is what we call it in front of the kids) but I was not interested. "I wasn't enough then so why would I be enough now?" I thought.
A couple days later, I gave in to his come ons, we did what husbands and wives do, but I held back significantly on the emotional part of it. "I better do my wifely duties." I thought.
Within a week, I found myself being snappy with him out of nowhere. Still pondering on that date night, still annoyed with him that he couldn't give me anything that night out of the house. "He doesn't think you are that great. He should've saved some energy and conversation for you." I thought.
Within a month, every time I would look at him, I would feel so ANNOYED! We were starting to have stupid little petty cat fights over everything. He would snap at me and I would snap back. I was holding back emotionally and intimately. "He doesn't deserve it." I heard myself say.
Finally, about 5 weeks later, things finally came to a head. It was a Saturday night and we had been to church and just gotten the kids to bed. I really don't remember how it came up, but we ended up fighting and yelling (him). And fighting and crying (me). Pause- one of the things I adore about my husband, is that he is SOOOO good about getting me to verbalize feelings and thoughts. I can't always get the right words out until I talk to him. But he has this way of talking to someone and going "So what you are saying is ____________" and it being dead on every time.
After a couple hours of talking, he finally pulled it out of me and helped me identify that I had been angry about that date night 5 weeks before. That I was still holding on to a grudge and an expectation of that date night. That I was living a lie I had believed.
If you go back and look at the conversation above, I highlighted his words in blue. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. Idiot Becca!!!! He really was just taken back and speechless and enjoying the quiet with me, something we rarely experience at home. Rather than believing him, I immediately started making up these lies. And the lies snowballed and got uglier and worse. The drove a wedge in my marriage. They kept us apart intimately. The lies took glory and harmony from my marriage. And who allowed it?? Me!!!! Weeping, I repented. Being the sinner that I am, repenting to my husband is not fun. I apologized for allowing myself to be open for the enemy to plant a seed that grew into a tree of problems, branching into every area of our life.
That's right. Just like our first mother Eve, I believed it. It sounded right. It made sense? Sure. I was awesome and hot, why would he not be into me? Lies are straight from the enemy's snarling mouth and rather than reject them, I received them. I believed them to be true and I started living my life as if they were truths. "He doesn't deserve your kindness, he's not really into you." I would hear often. When he would initiate intimacy, "Yeah he only wants one thing. He doesn't want to 'preheat the oven' for you." was the lie that would fill my head.
In those 5 weeks, I played host to all kinds of garbage regarding my husband, my Beloved. I was allowing the enemy into my head and giving him power over me and my marriage. What started out as a simple date night miscommunication, snowballed into something much worse.
What was the truth in the matter? Michael was so smitten and so happy to be out with me that he was pretty much speechless. That he loves and adores me like his precious princess and he was dumbfounded having me all to himself.
With it being Valentine's day, I really feel heavy on my heart to speak to the ladies. Because of the fall in Genesis, women are especially more susceptible to lies. Ladies- your husband loves you. He chose you to be his bride, just as Christ chose the church to be his bride. He CHOSE YOU and continues to choose you. If he doesn't act as romantic as you'd like, or bring you that jewelry you've been eyeing, or say some perfect Ryan Gosling line, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means he's a man. It means he thinks different than you. There will be tons of gals posting pics of their roses and chocolates on social media sites. The enemy loves to use Facebook as a way of saying "Look how awesome so-and-so's husband is. Yours sucks since he didn't do this for you." It's like a little cartoon devil himself is standing there dancing around all those photos from everyone else pointing his finger at you and saying "nah-nah-nah-nah- nah-nah". DO NOT LET HIM DO IT!!!
Instead, ask Jesus, "What is the truth here?" Satan loves to try and destroy marriages. He hates to see something so beautiful. He is the father of lies. His ultimate desire is to hurt you. What is the desire of the Father? To love you. That is all. He created marriage to be beautiful and to glorify Him. I chose the photo of us above because to me, it is a perfect picture of how we are to love each other. This was a candid shot a wedding photographer took of us. We had no idea it was being taken. He is looking at me so passionately and I am admiring him. I love the emotion and Truth this photo evokes.
If something or some words or some thoughts come into your head that do not line up with the Truth, put them to death!!!!
Heavenly Father,
I pray for ladies. I pray for wives. I pray for all marriages. I pray that you would open our eyes to sin, that you would help us be on alert and stand guard against all evil trying to pollute our marriages. Help us recognize lies and crush them. Help us recognize truth and delight in it, especially in regards to our Beloveds. I pray for women who are believing lies and opening the door to the enemy in their marriages. I pray God that the Holy Spirit would reveal to them that they are believing lies and deceit. I pray for humility of wives, that we would be able to repent when we are sinning and hosting the enemy in our hearts. I pray that husbands would be open and kind and receptive of that repentance. Lord, I pray for marriages all over. You created the sanctity of marriage and you created us to love each other just as you loved us. Thank you Jesus for being my first Valentine, for loving me first and thank you for all my earthly loves.
Amen.
