{Unconventional} Marriage Secrets Day 4

{Unconventional} Marriage Secret # 7:  Have Your Own 'Things'

      I don't mean 'things' in the literal sense like material objects.  We actually strongly suggest against separating belongings like bank accounts, power tools, and fraternity sweatshirts. By 'things' I mean- activities, hobbies, and interests.
      For some reason, we women dream up these fantasies about marriage in our heads where once we tie the knot, except for work, we are with our husband 99% of the time. I really thought was how it would play out. That was my version of Happily Ever After. We would get married then every waking moment possible would be spent together, right? Nope. I remember being so offended when he would want to go do things without me. I took it so personal. I always thought, "Why on earth would he want to do something without me, his precious wife?" It took me the first 2-3 years in our marriage to learn that him wanting to do something outside of me was not because he didn't love me or want to spend time with me. And honestly, every now and then, I still struggle with it sometimes. My own insecurities and fear made me become that sitcom nagging wife that was trying to muzzle her husband and only let him out every now and then. The tighter I would pull, the more he would try to break away. If you don't let your husband lead and be a man, he can lead and be a man--- his divine calling.
      Over time we both have developed our own interests and hobbies. Now that I think about it, we actually have more NOT in common than we have IN common. Over the 8 years we've been married, his interests/activities have included the following: cycling, reading dead theologians, church activities, and now Crossfit. I have dabbled in just about every type of form of exercise and fitness, Bible study groups, my sewing business, and now my blog.  He likes non-fiction books and I barely have time to read. He likes to sit and listen to concerts and tv and I despise it. It seems like we are both always evolving; creating new little facets of ourselves for our partner to explore and learn about. And because we have these things of our own, neither of us is struggling for 'space' or our own identity. We are extremely different people and have grown to appreciate our differences.  We freely give it, without making the other feel guilty. Actually, right now, he is out at a Mavs game and then tomorrow I have Pink Impact, a big women's conference at church.
     Back when we just had one kid and our life was not quite so crazy, Michael had just gotten really interested in cycling. When I say interested, I mean he spent a total of about 12-14 hours per week on his bicycle. Now, looking back, that was pretty extreme. But at the time, we just had one child who was the easiest baby in the world. I kept busy with the gym and playgroups, and so I really didn't think much of it. I remember a mom in playgroup saying, "You let your husband ride his bike that much?????"My response was, "Yes I do. It makes him happy and healthy at the same time. Who am I to try and keep him from something that does that? It's a stress reliever for his hi-stress job and he is much more pleasant to be around when we has ridden and relieved that stress."
    So are there things that you are criticizing your partner for doing? Things that bring him/her joy? Don't you want your partner to have the desires of their heart, just as God wants for all of us?  Do you think that your mate will be much more pleasant to be around if they have some time or things for themselves? Are there things in your heart that you would like to spend some time exploring?  As long as it lines up with scripture, go for it!! Something new and fun will bring something new and fun to the relationship. And that time away will help you feel refreshed and give you some clarity to the every day mundane tasks.

And I am type for him tonight, since he is out--- get the point? :) 

10 {Unconventional} Marriage Secrets- Day 3

{Unconventional} Secret #8:   Honor Your Temple

         It sounds so simple. Honor your temple. (1 Cor 6:19) But what does it really mean and why?
I've been attempting to write this one actually for awhile because my fear is that I will come across as vain, idolatrous and/or judgmental.

        Take care of yourself. Really, do it.  I recently finished a bible study by Jennifer Rothschild and she talks about taking care of your temple. She lists it as 3 easy steps:

• Eat
• Move
• Rest
• ****get pretty ( I added this one on my own, I'll explain below)

       Eat.  If you've been following me for awhile you know that I eat Paleo. That is NOT what I'm saying you have to do. What I am saying is don't fill your precious temple with garbage. By garbage I mean excessive amounts of over processed foods, lots of corn products, hi amounts of white grains and sugar. When consumed regularly, all of that junk makes you tired and sluggish. When you feel icky, you don't have the energy to a.) focus your heart and thoughts on serving God  and b.) do the next step...

     Move.  Nobody is saying you have to run a marathon. Actually, don't run a marathon. That in no way sounds fun. You don't have to get up at 6am at go to spin class and you don't have to go join a gym. Just go for a walk when you can, fit in some outside play with your kids, ride a bike to carpool lane, etc. Exercise raises your energy levels and is also a stress reliever.  I get up at 5am and go get my workout in because I truly feel like I can tackle the day if I have already done that. My mind is sharper and my patience is greater. I can more readily worship and serve Jesus when I have this task out of the way. This is what works for me, I'm not saying it has to work for you. But find something that does work for you.

     Rest.  So do what I say and not what I do here. Okay? :) Women in general are TERRIBLE at this, me included. I always feel like I need to be doing something. I almost never sit down until 9pm at night and this is not what I recommend. All throughout the Bible we are commanded to take rest and to rest in the Lord. He gives it to us. He tell us to do so.

      Be Pretty.  Okay this is where I may hurt some feelings. Ladies, get out of the sweatpants/ maternity pants, put on a little mascara, blow dry your hair and take a little pride in your appearance. Your husband picked you. He picked you out of a crowd. Honor him by being his prize, his precious jewel that he is proud to come home to. As a busy mom of 3, ya'll know I have don't have excess time to primp and fuss. I only have time to wash my hair once about every 5 days or so. !GASP!  But when I do, I take the time to straighten it so that it looks decent for a few days. And on that, there is a fine line between yoga pants and sweat pants. If you are still carrying around a few extra baby pounds, get yourself some cute yoga pants or some knit waist skirts to transition into.  Remember in Friends when Chandler broke up with Janice and he wore the pj pants for forever? His lack of care in his appearance did something to him mentally. It kept him down. He didn't even have the confidence or energy to leave his apartment until he was able to change out of those dreadful pants.

    So why are these things all important? Your temple was bought for you. It was bought at a price, the life of God's only son. Your body is not your own, it belongs to God and to your spouse. Ladies, be someone who your husband wants to come home to and who shows appreciation for the gift of eternity you don't deserve.

Okay... I definitely have to chime in here. There are several reasons. I am a person that is constantly working to find balance. I don't rest well. My weight has always been a yo yo struggle. I am in no ways an expert or model. But I DO have some opinions. 

Ladies reading this... relay the following to your husband please. 

Fellas, would you want some fat, sweaty, nasty dude rolling over to get sex from you? NOPE. Do you think your wife wants some fat out of shape dude trying to heat her up. Probably not. Look I'm not saying this to be vain. I'm just saying drop the cheeseburger, lift some weight, and be a titan of love for your woman. 50 shades of Gray and Magic Mike are not the hits they are for no reason. Tune into your woman. Be her man. 

Your diet effects you. Your model effects your children. We'll talk more about legacy later. But we all pass on a legacy to our kids as it relates to faith, ethics, money, and food. The legacy passed to me was prescription drug abuse, obesity, heart disease, cancer, and binge eating. I will pass that to my kids if I don't make a conscious decision to change. Did you know that a lack of plants in your diet suppresses serotonin in the brain and produces depression? Did you know that exercise is the #1 treatment for anxiety. Good diet and exercise actually boosts testosterone in men. Bros, we want more T! 

When I roll out of my house looking sharp, the most important thing for me is that my wife is happy. I want my wife to be proud to be with me. 

I can't give advice on rest. I suck at that and could use some help from anyone that has advice. Hey... I'm just being honest. 

10 {Unconventional} Marriage Secrets- Day 2

{Unconventional} Marriage Secret #9:   Don't Call Yo Momma

.....Or your bestie, or your sister, or his mom, or his best friend, etc. 

     ALL husbands and wives have disagreements and arguments. ALL, repeat ALL. No marriage is without flaw. Some couples disagree every now and then while some disagree multiple times in a day. Every spouse experiences some disappointment in each other at some point in time. I think a common mistake many young married women is calling their mom or someone else and venting every time they are upset with their husband.  We, as women, are naturally inclined to want to talk it out. We get loosey goosey with our tongue when we get mad. We want someone on 'our' side when we get angry and so we instinctively turn to another person we are close to, like our mom, sister, friend, etc. We fill them in on every little wrong thing our husband did and then we may even embellish a little for good measure. 

     

Here is the problem with that; the next day or next hour or even next week when hubby apologizes for whatever silly thing he did and you forgive him and move on, the person you confided in is not as quick to move on. That other person, because they also love you, they feel the need to protect your honor. They saw you hurting and so they now feel angst against your husband. Not intentional, but that is our sinful way. 

    

 Ladies YOU took the marriage vows with your husband. No one else is included in or is even privy to anything that goes on with the exception of the Lord. Your husband married you. Because you made a vow to love him in better or worse, your heart is much quicker to soften towards him. You, more than likely, desire and aspire to love him unconditionally. None of those other confidants share that with you. And that's okay, you married him, not them. 

    We did our pre-marital counseling at Park Cities Presbyterian church and on the last day, the pastor spoke about this. It has proven to be one of the single most valuable pieces of marriage advice. Once in the old Testament and once in the New, the principle commonly referred to as 'leave and cleave' is mentioned. Genesis 2:24 & Matthew 19:5 both state the following :

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

   When we are upset, sad, or angry we should all seek the face of Jesus first as our ultimate comforter. He is much wiser than any earthly person could ever be and loves both you and your spouse equally. His desire is that, no matter what troubles come in your relationship, you and your husband would both draw in to Him. 

       There are times when one or both of you may need a little outside guidance, someone to physical talk to or cry to.  Things may get out of hand, ugly, and you both may be so deep in your own sin that some outside Godly counsel may be necessary. I have a whole other post coming on this, but for now if you are going to include someone else in your marriage, make sure they are of Godly counsel and are not biased towards either one of you. 

You know how most men joke about their mother in law? I don't have those jokes. I also love my wife's friends. My wife has done some things to royally piss me off in our marriage. I mean shaking in my boots, go for a drive and cool down mad. But that actually probably says more about me. Anyway... no matter how mad I get or how mad she is at me, she has NEVER included anyone else in our mess. 

There were times she could have. There were times that had she aired out my darkness, it would have changed the dynamic of all our relationships. I am happy to say that when it comes to this principle, my wife is aces. When I have to come back, repent, own my shame and sin I only have to own it to her and God. You know how much safer that makes our relationship emotionally? 

I feel so sad for men that have to wonder what the mother in law, the best friend, or sister is thinking once he and his wife have settled their dispute. My wife makes repentance safe for me. She makes space for me to be broken and find redemption in Jesus while she prays and supports me. 

10 {Unconventional} Marriage Secrets

 

       Next week is our 8 year anniversary. I know this sounds cliche' but--- I can't believe it!! And in those 8 years we feel like we have learned more than couples married twice that time. Our first 2 years were incredibly difficult. We are honest enough with each other to say that we almost didn't make it. But by God's amazing grace, love, and His constant presence in our marriage, we have learned some ways to make it. Our anniversary is 10 days from today, April 23,  so we will be sharing one snippet of guidance each day.

        If you have ever spent any time with us as a couple, you know that we are extremely passionate and in love. We truly are best friends and lovers at the same time. I say this not to condemn or say that we are better than anyone but to inspire others to use some of the lessons we have learned so that you and your spouse will have some insight into a true love story and that realize that it's not all foot rubs and trips to Lowe's together.  So let me put this out there------> (notice it is NOT in fine print!)

Disclaimer: The parties involved are not nor claim to be perfect. The only perfect marriage is the one of Jesus and The Bride of Christ one day when we see Him. 

{Unconventional} Secret #10Break Your Models

      My parents love to work in the yard. They always have. I guess you could call it their hobby. And they do it all themselves- no hired help. At almost 65, my dad gets out on the riding mower and mows the grass and at 70, my mom still gets out an blows leaves, pulls weeds, plants flowers, and trims bushes. When I was little, I remember weekends spent outside playing while they worked in the yard and seemed to have so much fun. They always have taken so much pride in a well manicured weed-free lawn. Many summer months our house won Yard of the Month because of the energy and attention to detail that way put into the outside of our house.  So naturally, when Michael and I got married, I thought we would work together smilingly to create a beautiful lawn.

That first summer we were married and had our first house,  I envisioned us working on yard projects together. In my head I dreamed of him mowing, me planting flowers, us pulling weeds together, then sitting back together to admire our hard work.  My Irish, red headed, fair skinned hubby, however, did not share that same dream. His idea of fun on a weekend was not being out in the hot Texas sun all day, only to have to do it again the next Saturday. Bless his heart, he tried. He mowed and trimmed and pulled a few weeds. But about a year into our marriage he decided to hire someone to mow the lawn.

WHAT??????     How could he not take pride in his lawn? How could he want to actually rest on the weekends? A real man takes care of his yard, right? He certainly doesn't pay someone to do it. I don't have a maid so why does he get to have yard help?

This fight went on and on for years. Actually until probably about a year ago if we are being honest. You see, my 'model' was one that had two parents who liked working in the yard. Because that was my only 'model' or experience to draw on, I thought that must be the way to do it. I thought that to be a real man, as a saw my dad, you must enjoy yard work. I never took into account my husband's desires about his free-time off of work. I never thought that anybody wouldn't like working in the yard. I never thought that he might have other hobbies, interests, etc that he would like to focus on when he is not working.

Here's another one for you...
Christmas. We all have our own 'model' for Christmas, right? All normal families open presents on Christmas morning right? Did you know that there are people in this world that actually open gifts on Christmas Eve??? Craziness, right? Well that is how my husband's family had always done it and I'm pretty sure early in our marriage I told him that was just flat our wrong and silly. In my 'model', we went to Granny's Christmas Eve, came home and slept in our beds, to awake on Christmas morning with a loot from Santa. Hubby's family woke him up sometime late at night to open gifts. Believe it not, this silly little thing has caused arguments in our marriage.

So what kind of 'model' do you need to break? Did your dad give your mom certain things on Valentine's Day that you expect  your husband to give you? Maybe it's not just your parents, maybe you have an aunt who folds laundry a certain way and so you do too, even though your hubby may like his shirts a different way. How often do we as females use fiction as a 'model'. How often have we played out a scenario in our head that we have seen in a favorite movie like The Notebook? Admittedly, I always wanted a guy to say "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." We, as women, have these models built in our heads and we expect our mates to live up to these high expectations that they may not even know about.

His 'model' is wrong and your 'model' is wrong. The only 'model' that is right is one that you build together, one where both of you love each other and love Christ more than you love yourself.

So here is Michael chiming in...
I'm not sure I would say that models are wrong or right necessarily. I would say to understand that they are just models. As husbands and wives we are to lead each other. We should learn to draw together on various models. The reality is that when I elevate the model in my head above my wife, I am ceasing to love and serve her and I am selfishly serving my own interests. We picked up this little nugget from Les and Leslie Parrot and I highly recommend their stuff. http://www.lesandleslie.com/

And BTW.... I do like yard work. I just like the mall, riding my bike, crossfit, and other stuff more. Not to mention that I am terrible at yard work. No matter how many guides I follow on fertilizing and watering, the weeds and clover in my yard actually get worse. But I digress. 

Poppin' Happy Pills

Well, how do I start this??

Hi, I'm Becca and I take Lexapro, an anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety medication.
****GASP****

There. I said it.

I'm actually not ashamed of this fact. I have taken it off and on for almost four years now.  I know what is going through your head right now. You are probably saying one or more of the following:

a.  What? Becca? No way. I would never think that about you,  that you have that problem.
b.  Oh, now it makes sense.
c.  I would never take 'medication'.
d. Christians don't need 'medication' because God can heal everything, especially matters of the heart.
e. All of the above.

     Before giving you some background, I have to first say that I am beyond blessed to have been born to not just one, but two parents in the medical field. My mother is a Registered Nurse and my father is a Physician's Assistant (P.A.), and for all my intents and purposes, a doctor. They always did an awesome job at explaining the anatomy, disease, sickness, treatments, etc. Conversation about such topics was common around our dinner table growing up.

Baby #2

Lincoln- 1 day old

   About 6 weeks before Lincoln was born I started to have that common 2nd time mom fear of "How can I love another baby as much as I love the first one?".  Everyone told me that was all normal. But then in the hospital I knew something was different about me, because I started getting nervous about going home.  I wanted to stay in the safe haven of the hospital.  Michael, Jr. had been the textbook perfect baby and I was so nervous about what was to come with this one. Our first day home I remember sitting on the couch with my tiny sleeping baby dreading the nighttime and what would happen with sleep routines, feeding, etc.  After a day or two, I struggled to pick him up to feed him. I had the perfect thing going with my one child and I just wanted him not this new baby who was already so temperamental. I didn't want to have to figure out how to fit another one into my life and into my heart. In all the baby books they tell you the signs to look out for regarding PPD (post partum depression).  I kept doing a mental check.

• Do I want to hurt myself? No.
• Do I want to hurt my baby? No.     Okay, I must be fine. Must just be the baby blues.

       A few weeks went by. Linc still wasn't sleeping more than 2-3 hours at night. Now, I know that is totally normal for a breastfed baby. But Mikey slept 6 hours by a month old and so I was starting to freak out. In my freaking out, I refused to just 'trust the boobies', as I like to say, in regards to breastfeeding. I would pump some and give him formula at night and try to manipulate it all as best as I could. Nothing seemed to work. This child was not following my rules. Finally, around five weeks or so, I couldn't take the stress of it and I decided to quit breastfeeding cold turkey.  I thought all my emotional issues would resolve. I thought surely if he had formula all day long then he would sleep and we would all be back to normal. Right?  Wrong. With quitting BF, I gained a whole other bag of issues. Now I was sleep deprived, emotionally unstable, and also missing out on bonding time that I so desired and knew I needed with my newborn. I went to my six week doctors appt with my OB. I kind of tip toed around the subject of perhaps having some mild PPD. She said "Yes, it sounds like you need some Lexapro. I'm going to give you a script just in case." I walked out with the script and thought, "I will be better in a few days. I just need some sleep."
 
     After my doctors appointment I went to Babies R Us to purchase some diapers. Anyone who has been in there knows that first section when you walk in is the breastfeeding section. All the pumps and bottles and pads were practically screaming off the shelves at me.  It had been about 3 days since I last BF Lincoln and there right in the middle of BRU, I started having what could only be described as a breakdown. I physically felt like I was Alice in Wonderland as she is falling into the rabbit hole. I was just sinking and sinking and all the breast pumps were talking flowers telling me how awful I was. I walked out without buying anything.

Lincoln- 6 weeks old

 
     I called my dad and told him that Dr. B, my OB, had suggested I take Lexapro because it seemed that I was having some PPD. He agreed! He explained that anytime the body goes through any major changes- childbirth, a move, a marriage, a divorce, a major illness, etc. it does a number on your whole chemical makeup. He explained the difference between serotonin and epinephrine.  He explained that childbirth itself can lower your serotonin then you add sleep loss to that, it just makes it even worse.  My dad has an amazing gift of explaining medical knowledge in lay terms.  Even though my dad thought it was as good idea, I was still so hesitant. I still had so much stigma in my brain attached to taking ant-depressants. I kept thinking about that sad little egg on the Zoloft commercial that has social anxiety disorder and there was no way Becca was going to be a sad little egg.
 
    The very next day, sleep deprived I took Michael to preschool. At our preschool, you have to get out of the car and walk your child in. I carried six week old Lincoln in the car seat in to take Mikey to school. I sat down the car seat as I did every other day and signed Michael in. Then I went to the car and left. About a mile down the road

I LEFT MY BABY AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

     My heart was pumping faster than it ever had before. I made an illegal turn and drove 70 in a 40 getting back to school as fast as I could. I got back to the parking lot and jumped out of the car, engine still running, door standing wide open. Sprinting down the sidewalk and back to the classroom I tried to not make eye contact with anyone. I could not tell anyone what I had done. I got to the front of the classroom and there he was, sleeping in the carrier like I left him, clueless to what had just taken place. Scooping him up quickly, I dashed back to the car, again not making eye contact, praying nobody would notice. I got my precious bundle all strapped in, safe and sound, and I just lost it. Right there in the the preschool parking lot. I fell to pieces. That was it. That was my rock bottom. This was God finally shouting at me--- "You need help!!!"  I had left my baby at school! Not a stroller, not a wallet, not a set of keys. My baby. Where was my head???? You see, when your chemistry is off and your serotonin levels are low, you become forgetful. This is also very common in pregnancy and lots of us ladies causally refer to it as "pregnancy brain." Pregnancy brain is for real ladies and gentlemen! From the school, I went straight to Target to fill my script for Lexapro.
 
    I got home with my bottle of pills, started breastfeeding my baby again, and never looked back. I kid you not, within 5 days I was already beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't feel as deep down in that tunnel. Every day after that I would wake up feeling better and think "Wow, I didn't realize how bad I felt. There is no way I can top the way I'm feeling." But then the next day, I would wake up and feel even better than the day before. Around 6 weeks is when the medication finally levels out and things plateau. I continued to take Lexapro for almost a year. Research shows that taking PPD meds for a full year decreases the recurrence of having to take it again.  Once I finally quit nursing and got back on my normal birth control pills, my hormones leveled out and I could tell that I didn't need the meds anymore.  I went about 18 months drug free!

Baby #3   

    ...And I probably would've stayed that way had I not gotten pregnant with Knox. Of course being preggo I was off my birth control again. I was fine at first; elated to be given a third baby.  This was the baby we had prayed and told God, "If you see fit for us to grow our family, then we are happy to do it again." Around the end of my first trimester, I was starting to get all out of emotional sorts again. But this time, it was not this low sinking tunnel feeling, it was more of an anxious, thermometer rising type feeling. I would snap at my husband out of nowhere. Oh and the kids; the precious kids. They felt the brunt of it more than anyone. They would misbehave or talk back and rather than disciplining them calmly, I would yell and spank more frequently. Rather than move on from a disagreement, I would let it fester. I took everything personally, like they were out to attack me. When I would get upset with them, it was literally like I could feel my body filling up with this hot liquid, bubbling and rising exponentially to the top, where it would then explode and destroy everyone around me. Physically, my heart would race and my blood pressure would go up. Once I 'came down' I had this awful headache. This was happening almost daily. So at my 10 week appointment, I left with a new script for Lexapro in my hands. This time, I did not hesitate to fill it right away.

   Around the 7 month mark or so, sleep began to not be my friend. So Dr. B suggested I try Ambien (a sleeping aid). It worked like magic! And initially I didn't need that much! Only 1/2 a small dose! But then guilt started to kick in. I was now taking an anti/depressant anti/anxiety medication PLUS a sleeping pill, BOTH while pregnant. I for sure could not be THAT girl. So, without talking to anyone about it but myself, I took myself off of the Lexapro. In my crazy preggo reasoning, I told myself that if I slept well at night, my emotions would be fine and I wouldn't need the Lexapro. I had gone off of it before so surely I could do it again? Right?  God gave me this baby so surely He knew I was able to handle being pregnant with it. Right? This happened to be around Christmas time. {Christmas= stress} I also happened to in the middle of a ton of work being done to my kitchen. {home repairs= stress} I stopped the Lexapro and increased the Ambien. It helped at first. I was sleeping so great! But then, the Ambien stopped working as well and my body seemed to need more of it to fall asleep and stay asleep. By New Years, I was up to about 2 full size man doses of Ambien and still only sleeping about 2 hours a night, on the couch. When I would lay down at night to sleep I would start fidgeting and my chest would feel heavy. I couldn't catch my breath.  It was impossible to sleep and barely possibly to breathe. Luckily, thank the Lord, I was due for an OB visit and when I arrived there, my BP was high and I was feeling queasy and weak. I was starting to see black spots. Dr. B came in and we talked about my sleep. She asked if I was still taking my Lexapro. Reluctantly, I told her the truth and my crazy preggo reasoning.  She stepped up and Momma talked me a little bit and instructed me to go home, start back on my Lexapro. She wrote the following on her script pad for me:

• Take a Tylenol PM and an Ambien, Take a hot bath, then an hour later take another Tylenol PM and an Ambien. 

"Do this for 3 nights." she said. "Then after that just take 1 Ambien every night if you need it."
What????

7 mos preggo- TIRED!!

   
    Well, I followed Dr's orders. I finally slept decent that night. Not amazing, but better. The next night even better. Finally by that 3rd night, I was sleeping great. I was a little foggy during the day until that 4th day, but I finally was starting to come back out of the tunnel again.
I stayed on the Ambien until Knox was about 4-5 days old.
 
    Knox is now 13 months and I am still taking my Lexapro. I am still nursing. Did you know that nursing lowers your estrogen levels. Estrogen is what makes us ladies feel and act like ladies. I am planning to stay on my Lexapro until I feel that I no longer need it. That may be when I am done nursing, it may not. It may be forever. Who knows?
 
   The point is, I just really felt this urgency in my heart to post this. I feel like so many mommas out there struggle with their hearts and emotions and don't realize how common it is. They don't realize the physical feelings and detriments of depression and anxiety.  When I used to be elbow deep in fabric and my sewing business for DDD, people would always ask, "How do you do it all?" My response was always, "Well... I'm just a tad crazy but I take pills for that, so it's alllll good." That's true. Once I embraced my issues and did no feel shame in them, I was able to recover and function normally.

The Tricky Part

Do I believe the Lord is my Healer, Jehovah Rapha? Yes! I do. I believe that he heals the broken hearts and binds up wounds (Psalm 147:3) and heals all disease (Psalm 103:3). I am the Lord who heals you! --Exodus 15:26

Do we all have special gifts and talents that the Lord has positioned in us? Yes!

Do I also believe that God chooses people, like the apostle Luke, to be Physicians or doctors, which in the old Testament, meant 'healer'? 

 Does the Lord provide knowledge and common grace to doctors, psychologists, therapists, etc? You bet.

If your child had diabetes, would you refuse them insulin because of the 'stigma' that went with it? Would you just hold out for healing from God? I have a precious friend, whose angel of a child has a chromosomal difference that causes his development in certain skills to be delayed. Should she fore go all therapy and treatment and 'hold out for a miracle.' Or does she believe that God has chosen people to work for Him and through Him?

Do we get colds, flu, depression, disease, and even cancer because we are awful, bad people? No,  God has woven it all in His plan and through all sickness- mind or body-- wants us to draw into him and praise him throughout it. I believe I have a fullness and a healing in Him because I have submitted my will to the authority and knowledge of a doctor. I believe He has me in His best interest and because of that, He has provided a way through my OB and modern medicine to correct and chemical in balance in my body.

We are all sinners and because of His healing and saving grace, he has allowed Doctors, nurses, therapists, etc to be instruments of his power.

Dear God, I pray for women and mommies out there. I pray for broken, sad hearts who need to be healed by you, the ultimate healer. God there is no condemnation in you and by you. You are the Almighty Healer, Jehovah Rapha. Only you can heal our full hearts. Thank you God for choosing health professionals. Thank you that you would entrust them with your work and duties God. I pray that anyone out there who needs some emotional healing would seek you first, then seek medical help by one of your servants. God, thank you that you showed me rock bottom. I am thankful that you took me there, showed me the ugliness that exists and because of that, my desire is to never return there again. I want to serve you Lord. Thank you for healing my heart and thank you for giving me amazing parents and doctors who believe in my well-being. 
Amen---

Contention= Castration

"It is better to live in a desert land, then with a contentious and vexing woman." 

Proverbs 21:19

****This is just a small dabbling in the issue of marriage, submission, wives, etc. I know the topic runs very deep and with the Lord's help, I hope to submerge deeper in it. For now, this is what He has given me. 


Last week we surprised our clan with a trip to Disney World!!! Yep-- 7 days, 6 nights, two 4-hour flights, 3 suitcases, 20+ shuttle rides, 4 parks, and slumber in a Tow Mater bed with 3 Caney boys. While it wasn't vacation, per say, it was magical and amazing time together.
By the end of the first park day, Michael and I realized two things we were going to get a kick out of from the trip:
1. The awesomeness that is Asian Fashion. And I say that with much love. Those girls know how to rock some patterns & print pairings.
2. People Watching at it's best. People come from all over the world to visit the Mouse. There were times when everyone around us was from another country. We loved it! We loved watching families interact and play together. We enjoyed watching how and what others eat.

By about day 3, I really started paying close attention to how spouses would interact with each other. While Disney is the the most magical place on earth-- the crowds, small children, heat, lines, etc. can really make people show their sin. I noticed how people would snap at each other in an instant (guilty) and how husband and wives would speak to one another.

One particular day, we had just walked off a ride at Animal Kingdom. There was a family from the UK  with 3 children, similar in ages to my 3. The wife was, as say in our house, 'giving him the business'. She was ranting and raving and shaking her finger to her husband like he was a dog who just pooed on the carpet. "I've been stuck here with a baby in the stroller all week and I am just flat out sick of it. I'm sick of it and I'm tired of it. You need to ......", she ranted on and on with a thick british accent.  I'm pretty sure there was a little foot stomping like a 3 year old who doesn't get his way. She looked at her husband, her man who is supposed to be her champion, with disgust like he was gum on the bottom of her shoe. I looked at the poor man who was being reduced to nothing.  He looked crushed. He looked so disheartened. He looked as if she just just castrated him and then handed his 'jewels' on a paper plate.  He had his shoulders shrugged and his hands up in surrendur saying  over and over "You're right. Yes, dear."  I felt so bad for the man. I pointed out hte situation to Michael and told him that I just wanted to go give that husband a hug and tell him it was okay.  Of course, being the broken sinner that I am, in my head I start judging the man-slaying she-dragon that I saw this woman to be.  Judge away I did.

Fast forward to the next day, our last day of magic. The big boys were off to ride Pirates of the Carribean and Knox had just fallen sound asleep in the stroller. I sat on a bench and caught up on my people watching while I waited.  A mom, dad, and toddler walked up and sat near me; a hispanic family this time.  They sat and started talking about what they wanted to do next. The man started to speak and she immediately cut him off and started in, 'giving him the business'.  She started blurting out orders "you need to _________, you need to stop ___________, I can't believe you ___________. I told you____________" and on and on and on with a little Latina neck snap in between each order. This poor man just sat there and accepted the orders without question.  That daddy scooped up his 'jewels' and his little boy and pressed on like nothing had happened. Once they walked away, I got one of those nice little Holy Spirit gut punches. He was lovingly reminding me that I have the same tendencies as these women I had been noticing. Not all the time, but it had happened. And early in our marriage, it happened often. I had apologized for it before but I felt the need to apologize again.
That day when we got back for our rest time at the resort, I immediately repented to my husband for speaking to him that way and I prayed that I would be slow to do it again.

So ladies, how are you speaking to your bridegroom, your Prince, your man?? Are you controlling?  Are you contentious?  Do you correct your husband? Do you feel like it's your job to point out things he does wrong?   There was a time in our marriage when I was much more like these women than I am now. I wanted control and I wanted Michael to fix all my problems. I was looking for a personal Savior. Instead of looking for fullness and joy in my Heavenly mate Jesus, I was looking to my earthly mate to fix everything.
Our men are to be our champions, our dragon slayers, our fighters. My husband loves epic moves like Troy, 300, and Gladiator. I like to think of him as my Achilles (Brad Pitt's character) headed out every day to fight wars then to return to me as his soft spot to rest.  My heart's desire is to patch up his battle wounds from the office and build him up so that he can go after another day to provide for our family. In Genesis, God created man first in His image, then he created us in man's image to be a helper, not a fighter. How are our men ever supposed to lead and fill their divine roll if we are not a helpmate to them? I am not perfect in this role, none of us are. I thought it necessary to point out the geographic origin of the women I listed above, not to be stereotypical in any way, but rather to point out that this is a global problem. Women are castrating their men every day, in public and in front of their children.

Lord, I pray for marriages right now. I pray for wives who are mean, hurtful, and slanderous to their husbands. I pray that you would open their eyes to the hurt they are causing their men. Lovingly give them wisdom Father. Give them a desire to love and serve their husbands. Help husbands stand strong and not fear rejection or cruelty from their wives. Lord give our men softness in their heart to graciously accept repentace from their wives and give those wives a softness in their hearts to allow their men to lead. I pray that women would seek your face first Lord for fullness and joy so that they may be a place of comfort rather than content for their husbands. 

HE Will Fight For You- A Birth Story

Trust in the Lord,

And he will fight for you.

Exodus 14:14

Today we celebrated sweet Knox Driscoll's first birthday.

I have never been that normal mom that cries when I drop off my boys at a 5 hour Mother's Day Out or worries excessively when they are with a babysitter. In fact, when my oldest started Pre-K, I couldn't get him gone soon enough. But for some reason, with Knox's first birthday nearing, I am starting to be one of those sappy mom's I used to roll my eyes at in the pick up line. Maybe it's because I know he is my last? Maybe it's because through him, the Lord has taught me how truly sweet motherhood can be.

Before his conception, I had no idea we would even have another baby.  I have said before that I DESPISE being pregnant. There is nothing about it that I enjoy, well, except for eating more treats and wearing elastic waist pants all the time. Other than that, pregnancy does a whirlwind on my emotions. We have had some extreme marital problems during pregnancy. One day, I will be ready to expose those layers. From the outside, my doctor says I have normal boring pregnancies, but I hate how carrying another life brings me down. I hate getting fat. I hate not being able to be as active as I normally I am. I have varicose veins, from the waist down.  There is no comfort except sleeping. Knowing my body goes though all of that, I thought surely, since I am trusting the Lord fully this time, He will not make me go through all of these ailments. Surely, if I give it over to him, he will heal me of all these crazy things and allow me to have a normal pregnancy. Now I know it could've been worse. I could have that blood disease where I have to get a shot every day. Or I could've been on bed rest. Or I could've lost a baby. I praise the Lord every single day that I have never had to know that heartache of losing a baby. But for someone who loves exercise as much as I do and who lives such a full and active life, pregnancy is this borderline hell for me. So this last time, I prayed and prayed and tossed it all on the Lord, just like I am supposed to. And guess what, it was worse than the fist two. Yes. Worse.

So fast forward to closer to my due date. With the first 2 boys, I had vaginal births. I went in for scheduled inductions 3-5 days before my due date. My plan was to get every drug available and push a baby out feeling no pain.  I apparently have an odd spacing in my spine, because with older boy's labors, they had to redo my epidural 3 times, completely in and completely out. NOT FUN! A test dose would send my heart rate up to 200 and I would start to black out.  All that, all the extra meds made me nauseous so they gave me Finnergin, and I was zonked out and slept through all my labor. In fact, with my first, I fell asleep when I was at 5cm and the nurse woke me up to push and I asked for "10 more minutes" like she was my alarm clock. I was totally out of it.

With Knox being my last baby, I knew early on in my pregnancy that I wanted a different labor experience once the time came. I really had started to grow some trust in the Lord. I was really embracing what it meant to be a woman, a daughter of the King. The thought of a natural labor was starting to intrigue me. With the previous labor experiences and my not fun epidurals, I knew I desired something different. I knew the Lord had a different plan this time around. About 8 weeks in,  I remember tossing the idea out to my husband. "What if we do a natural labor this time?" I asked him.
He immediately shot me down. "No, absolutely not. There is no need for  you to feel pain if you don't have to." Every couple of weeks I would bring up the subject with Michael again. And every time, he would not discuss it. I was feeling pretty discouraged. How could he not see what the Lord had intended for me? Did he not realize the Lord made women's bodies to push out a baby?

A friend suggested the book Supernatural Childbirth. Now, I'm not going to lie, I thought the majority of it was hokey and most of the theology was completely off from how I believe. But it did give me some insight to how women have been having babies since the beginning of time. God created us and our bodies and the magical process of childbirth. It gave me a desire to put my trust in the Lord.
So I started praying, daily. Not necessarily for my birth or for my baby, but for my husband. I prayed that the Lord would soften his heart and open his eyes to the possibility of allowing God to carry me through the labor with no meds. I never saw natural childbirth as a badge of honor to earn, but more of a cross to carry. I wanted to experience everything He had created women to experience. We were only about 2 weeks away from my due date. I was scared that Michael would not jump on board and without his encouragement and support I knew there was no way I could do it.  I had told my OB that I was thinking about going natural and she said she would help me if that was my decision. But Michael still had not come around. Lucky for me, he loves watching documentaries on Netflix. So we turned on The Business of Being Born, a documentary on home birth by Ricki Lake.  I kid you not, ten minutes into the movie, and he was convinced! He had no idea the effects of all the drugs on the unborn babies. He had no idea the cycle that is created upon induction, pitocin, epidurals, etc and how all that can ultimately lead to Csection.  He saw all these women calm and relaxed with no tubes and big needles. He saw calm content babies being born. He said, "THAT is the way God intended us to have babies. We are going to have our baby like that. Is it too late to get a midwife?"

Oh Praise the Lord!!!! This was the desire of my heart. This was what I had been praying for. I knew with his support I could fully turn everything over to the Lord. No, we didn't get a midwife. We have an amazing OB, so amazing, in fact that we named Knox after her but we prayed that night over the baby and we prayed together about my upcoming delivery. We prayed that the Lord would work through our OB and we would trust her judgement.

It was my due date. February 16, 2012.  I went to a doctor's appointment. She did a sono, shot a glance over at the nurse,  then suggested we induce labor the next day. This was not part of my plan. I was supposed to go into labor naturally. I called my husband and he told me he thought we needed to trust the doctor, Dr. B. I reluctantly agreed with him. So I went home and ate cupcakes and bacon. I went to the acupuncturist for the 3rd time. I prayed and meditated constantly begging the Lord to send me into labor naturally. I got a pre-natal massage. I sat on the bouncy ball. I ate Greek food and played Wii. God, please please let this baby come naturally. 

We were supposed to be at the hospital for induction at 7am. At 5:30 they called me and said they were full and that I couldn't come in yet. Really???? This is supposed to be my labor day and you are cutting me off? We waited around the house. I ate an entire bag of Ghiradelli raspberry squares while sitting on my exercise ball and reading my Bible, searching for any Words I could find on trust. Finally, the hospital called around 11am and said I could come in at 1pm. It was here. I was going to have to be induced. I was totally against it. I begged and pleaded with the Lord, PLEASE let me go into labor now! Somehow I stumbled on Exodus 14:14 "Trust in the Lord and He will fight for you." I got what I like to call a 'Holy Spirit rib nudge'. There it was. That verse seemed to jump out and have little flashing lights around it. Maybe it was more of a 'Holy Spirit gut punch'. That was to be my mantra, if you will, for this process. I told Michael. He agreed and said, "Oh yeah. It's like *my Jesus with his tattoo and sword.'
*Side note- if you've ever seen the terrible Will Ferrell movie Talladega Nights, remember the dinner scene when they are praying over the meal and they all have a different version of Jesus? One talks about how he likes to think of Jesus laying there watching baby Einstein videos and the other likes to think of Jesus in swaddling golden diapers. Well, Michael and I each have our own 'Jesus'. His is the Jesus of Revelations, with a tattoo on his thigh and a big sword.

¹⁵ From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty.¹⁶ On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Rev 19:15-17

That day, I put my full most trust in that Jesus! I agreed and believed that I would surrender to Him and allow to Him to work in the nurses and doctors to give me the desires of my heart. We got to the hospital and I let them hook me up to the IVs to start pitocin, the medicine which induces labor contractions. I bounced on my ball, sat in the chair, laid in the bed. Four hours in and not much progression. I came to the hospital at 3cm and was sitting at about 4cm.  No pain. I could see a little action on the monitor, but nothing exciting. Not what I was hoping to hear. Around 7pm the nurses switched shifts and my doctor came to see me. She said "I think if you want to make this happen, I need to break your water." NO NO No! This was not what I wanted. I had already allowed them to hook me up to pitocin. I was not about to let them intervene any more. Part of it was fear. I knew that if I let her break my water, I was in it. There was no turning back. I was going to have this baby. I looked at Michael thinking for sure that he would feel the same way as me. We prayed and he said "Babe, we agreed to let God work through the doctors and nurses. Do you trust God? Do you trust me? Do you trust Dr B? I think we need to let her break your water and get this thing moving." I agreed. 

See my amusement?

Dr. B came in around 7:30 and broke my water. Not fun at all, but I immediately started saying "Trust in the Lord and he will fight for you" in my head and I made it through that. Once the water was broken, I immediately start to feel some relief from the pressure of the veins that had been ailing me. And I got this instant high, this adrenaline rush of being so free in the Lord. I mentioned before how amazing Dr. B is. After she broke the water, she sat at my bedside. She and Michael talked and I immediately started feeling contractions. I let them talk and each contraction came a little quicker and a little stronger than before. There was this sign in the room. I honestly can't remember what it said, but every time a contraction would come on, I would look over at that sign, and go to another place and "Trust in the Lord, he will fight for you." After an hour or so, the real pain started. Transitional labor, I believe is the correct term. I started pacing. I went to the bathroom. I actually wanted to stay in there all alone, well, me and my tattooed Jesus anyway. A contraction would come and I would start to imagine this wilderness of weeds and thorns and Jesus was trenching through it swiping out everything with his sword until he got to a clear meadow. Phew, rest. 1 minute later, there would be the woods again. Jesus was carrying me on his back and slaying dragons, beasts, and cutting down trees with that sword. Together, we made it through to a clearing. This went on for about 2 hours. 1 minute on 1 minute off. 

The Lord carrying me the entire time. Yes, it hurt. Yes, there was pain. I just focused on the Lord and allowed him to suffer it for me. It got time to push. I could do this. Michael was looking at me and being so encouraging and I just remember telling him to shut up and let me do my thing! I started pushing and started to chicken out. It was way too late for an epi and I was not having a Csection, so I guess I had to do it. I gave a good push and I kid you not, I thought someone was ripping me in half.  I screamed and screamed and yelled, squeezing all life out of Michael's hand. I looked at my little audience of nurses and screamed "GET IT OUT OF ME". Finally, out came this enormous baby, and he peed all over us! 

This sounds awful, and judge if you must, but I am not one to hold my baby straight from the womb. I like them to clean them up first. So they took him over to the scales. 8lbs 9oz. Wow!!! Dr. B looked at me and said "See, that is why I wanted to induce you today." She knew he was bigger than my others, she knew I desired to have a natural birth. She knew that if she told me he was big, I might chicken out and not go with my plan.

They cleaned him and wrapped him up and brought me my precious Knox Driscoll. He was beautiful and perfect. I snuggled that little baby, immediately attached him to the breast,  and thanked the Lord for carrying me. I thanked the Lord for fighting for me. It was with Knox that I really began to revel in the sweetness that the Lord intended motherhood to be. 

A year later, now on his 1st birthday, I am still growing and learning what the Lord has for me. I continue to use that verse in all difficult and painful situations. 

The beauty of all this is that the Lord wants to carry it all for us.  His desire is that we draw into Him, that we learn to lean on him in all situations, so that he can show us just how big He is. No matter how big or how small, God can and wants to carry you though it. What does your Jesus look like and will you let Him take over?